Hi all.
My mum was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer and is now on hospice at home and getting progressively worse. My 79 year old dad is caring for her full time. I live over an hour away and try to get over as much as I can but I still feel immense guilt that I am not doing more.
The pain is absolutely unreal and I’m trying to fight through the days and pretend everything is okay when in reality my whole world is falling down around me and sometimes I don’t even know what to do with myself.
I have a boyfriend who is lovely and supportive and I’m currently speaking to a therapist over the phone twice a month but I need support. I need to know how to talk to my mum because sometimes, for the first time, I don’t know what to say to her. Could you help me?
She he is getting in more and more pain and getting so so angry and taking it out on my poor dad. I rang her the other day and she was just screaming at him, accusing him of just giving her morphine for a quiet life so it knocks her out, that she has no one looking out for her, and she was screaming at him over little things like him not listening or getting the food she wants. It was so upsetting. Then I heard her say “oh go and cry somewhere else, it’s me that’s dying, not you.” And it broke my heart because my dad is very stoic and rarely cries publically. I spoke to him afterwards and said we need to remember that isn’t my mum speaking, it’s the pain and fear. I just don’t know what to say to her when she’s in these moods.
Last night she broke my heart. I said we’re all here for you and she said “I know you’re all here for me. I just wish you could wave a magic wand and keep me here.” And I just don’t know what to say. But I want to say something so she feels validated and heard. She was also talking about looking into chemo but I think it might be too late but she sounded so desperate.
This is the most extreme pain I have ever felt and I don’t know what to do or say. How do I have these conversations with her?
Thanks for reading!
Hi Vintagecurls
Sorry to read about what your family is going through, I wish I had a magic wand and could make it go away or at least be less common.
In terms of the guilt that is a very common feeling. I have certainly seen people on here talking about the balance between pain relief and essentially being knocked out.
For your dad, I can certainly understand why he might find crying more challenging - I cry, and have come to accept it as the love overflowing from my eyes. Does your dad have something to help ground him, I know caring for my wife I pretty much ran myself in to the ground and that did not really help anyone.
We do have quite a good collection of data in our talking about cancer pages, it is never exactly easy but when we have no choice then we need to do the best we can - and accept that that is good enough too.
<<hugs>>
Steve
