My brother died in February

I am just writing this now to help me - as I did contact the forum just after I was told by my brother and his wife on a WhatsApp message that he had stage 4 cancer, metastatic melanoma, it was aggressive no cure and we were not to contact them as it would be an emotional burden they could not cope with, we were not to call, we were not to send presents. So I came on here a bit incognito, everything I wrote I tried to look to see if it was hidden enough so that if they saw it they would not recognise it 

But I did not know my brother only had four weeks when he told me.  I traveled back home as I already had the ticket - France - then when a neighbour was over demanding having just been in hospital and did not seem to register that my brother was very very ill, I fell over and hurt my ankle. I sort of ignored it, I was also ten months into a separation after 1 years and I guess I was in confusion and chaos. Anyway I did not go to the Doctor right away but thought I would wait three weeks.  Then my brother called on 22nd January and spoke for 20 min, I was on my own, I googled what to say - I did not know if I would speak to him again, It was the first time I spoke to him after finding out about his cancer. I did tell him how much I loved him and that I was sorry he was going through all this and that I hoped he forgave me for any disagreements, and he seemed to wave that away in one go. But I had taken the call on the laptop thinking i would see him and he chose not to go on video and so i would have preferred at the least  the closeness of the phone in my hand. 

The next day, we had just about worked out which hospital he was in, in London - my stepmother, mother, sister, and step brothers and sisters. I had registered here and was asked to put up my brother's diagnostics of his cancer and of course i had none.  A friend called from the UK who had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer around 2018 and is still fighting she gave me 1hr40min straight off of invaluable insights and links and tips and advice.

I phoned the Macmillan help line and collapsed in tears saying I did not know if this would be the last time that I spoke to my brother.   The lady was fantastic, I did not know her, I had never called before but I do not easily let out emotion with my close family and it was so helpful to talk to someone.   I had on the day I got the news about his cancer gone into a cathedral and talked to someone there. 

In fact it was the last time that I spoke to my brother, the first and last since knowing.  It was terrible not being there, not having information, I kept trying to send messages to my sister-in-law who was with him and who was controlling all information and contact - in his name.   It was terrible, My sister was being sent text messages to forward to everyone else. The first was that on 24th he was being operated on. It seemed to be a seven hr op, very long, it was on his colon. Then he was getting a bit better by the Friday 27th he could walk to the bathroom and clean his teeth we were told. This slow recovery was also a shock, how serious it was. 

My stepmother had been told a different story and seemed to think he could die any day. But it was not until 1st Feb when my sister called and said that they were trying to arrange for my brother to leave hospital and to have palliative care at home that I could not bear any longer not being there. I absolutely resolutely tied up loose ends which took another two days and then drove to the UK, totally ignoring my own ankle that being a small matter in the face of my brother's illness

I got to my mother's (who is 90) on evening of Sunday 5th Feb to catch up with the news that my brother had taken a turn for the worse. I wanted to drive to London but did not want to leave my mother and did not think she would manage the drive, and I had been told my brother did not want to see anyone in his condition and that his wife was not allowing anyone in. Not even my mother. She of course was saying she just wanted to touch his hand. 

My brother died on Feb 7th at 5am, we were sent a text message by my sister-in-law - she rang my mother later. For about 90min I knew and my mother didn't while I had to wait for her to be able to receive the call. 

There were more shocks, long and drawn out but in brief here, my sister-in-law after three days said she was the executor and beneficiary and she was not attending a funeral nor allowing the coffin to be there, nor allowing me to sit by the coffin in the funeral parlour, she was not having any contact with anyone and would supply funds for a ceremony for my brother and a lunch with close relatives, only. 

However, his friends and those who thought they were the executors got in touch. When I had driven over I was armed with information from my friend and hopeful there were chances that my brother could at least have a few years. On arrival it was a terrible shock. 

We worked around it as best as we could. I visited the hospital where his body was in the morgue and bought flowers and the nurse there took them into the morgue to place by his body. Against all odds we found out when the cremation was going to be and although then I was in France, I had letters put in his coffin and I think a eulogy was read, which suddenly appeared by email the morning of the cremation and I emailed it through to the funeral parlour who were very very kind. They were very good and it was all kept confidential.   If my sister-in-law reads this then I can only say that I too and close blood relatives have the right to grieve and to say Goodbye too and I don't agree with British laws that gave her the right to block it.   My brother's friends from University have arranged a gathering to celebrate his life in August.  

My ankle - when I got back to France, they gave me an xray, an echography, then an MRI scan, then an operation. I had six weeks in a non weight bearing boot, I am now two weeks into the boot coming off and have nothing like normal movement in it but physio twice a week for a while, and I am starting to drive again. 

The probate has come out, the will has been published and it was altered in Nov 22  - with my sister-in-law having sole right over everything but within it, clearly my brother's wishes, certain bequests and a trust with beneficiaries of which my mother and then his wife's mother were the first and second. But this is now in my sister-in-laws control to respect or not.  Those who thought they were the executors when my brother died - had been told this after November 22 so there is something strange about it all to me.   My brother was 64 when he died. After his death we found that he had had cancer since August 2016 and he had become diabetic around 2020 as a result of treatment.   We thought he was thin because of the diabetes - their world was private and while worrying about him all through Covid I had got used to not being able to ask questions or to see him more often. During his last year he made sure he called me on every special day - and now I know he had made efforts to get in touch with all his old friends and to meet up with whoever he could before he left for good.