My mum has ALL and I’m being selfish

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My mum has acute lymphoblastic leukemia and I’ve been struggling to deal with it. I’m an only child and my dad refuses to even use the word cancer. I don’t want to burden anyone with how I’m feeling and I feel guilty for feeling how I feel.
My mum is amazing and has been so strong through all the chemo etc and is really positive. I feel guilty about struggling with things when she’s got so much more to deal with than me.

I work for the emergence services so I’m used to my fair share of distressing things, trauma, fear and everything else but this has well and truly brought me to my knees.
I feel awful that I dread my mum coming home from the hospital. I feel so selfish because when she’s home it’s a constant reminder of the cancer, and I can’t escape it. When she’s in the hospital I can visit then walk away and try to avoid thinking about it. It’s just so draining having to pretend that everything is good, smiling and being all sunshine and rainbows for everyone. I feel like I need to just keep calm and carry on but I can’t anymore. I spoke to work and they referred me to our occupational health who then referred me to a private counselling service. Today they called me and said I sound resilient. A 12 minute call for them to tell me to get in touch with charities and send me links to them. This made me feel worse than I already do.

I don’t know how to juggle everything, throw in the fact my partner and I broke up, and I’m like a duck in a thunderstorm. How can I be there and support my mum. Help to look after her when I can’t even look after my own mental well being?

I feel that at the minute I’m just very me me me and it’s just so wrong because none of this is about me. It’s about my mum and I feel like I’m failing her

RosieFlower 1982 over 1 year ago

I lost my mum to lung cancer she thought it for 2 years I was her career getting up every 2 hours to give her her oral morth I was the same going smile betend everything is cool but deap down it's not it's good to talk and make sure you make some special memories I hope you don't mind me saying but it is about you take care

Nikita_UK over 1 year ago

Cancer is about everyone. Yes, it's awful for the individual going through it but it affects everyone in their circle. As a son or daughter you have to deal with the day-to-day practicalities but also the impact it has on you mentally. That thought of them suffering, hurting, not being here, a cancer diagnosis lays all of this bare.

I can completely relate to what you say though. My Mum is incredibly brave and strong and even though it's terminal, she's really happy at the moment. She's come to terms with it and is living life to the full. I, however, am a complete mess.

It is possible to be there for someone else when you don't feel so great yourself. Do simple things, like lunch in the garden, buy a thoughtful book, make the most of what you have right now. Reach out to those charities, ok so Occ Health have been next to hopeless, but reach out to all the help you can get to support you. It's really important.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Mollymoo90 over 1 year ago

Hi Smileygirl

I know this is a few months old now, but I just wanted to reply to say you have written almost to the T how i'm feeling. My Mum has also been diagnosed with ALL and it's so difficult. Trying to stay strong and positive but falling apart underneath it all and then feeling guilty for doing so.

I hope you've managed to contact some of the charities OH put you in touch with. Here if you want to chat x

src60 over 1 year ago in reply to Mollymoo90

Hi Smileygirl

Hopefully one of the charities you were pointed towards is Macmillan, if not perhaps suggest your employer might like to consider a touch base with their employee support service.

I wish "staying positive" was as easy to do as it is to type. If we look at your feelings when someone has cancer I know I see a lot of what I went through - my wife has Leiomyosarcoma and we have been living with that for over 10 years now.

I got a lot of help from Maggies and Macmillan, our son has autism and I don't know how we might have coped without support from a number of charities there too.

Took me a lot of grief before I first sought help - floods of tears at my first appointment. Now mostly I end up with watering eyes when I see something really positive - the repair shop often brings a tear to my eye but just accept now that love can overflow.

<<hugs>>

Steve

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