Hi everyone,
I wanted to post today because I'm just feeling really overwhelmed and I wanted to speak to anybody who even slightly knows how I feel. My family have had cancer diagnoses in the past and have subsequently passed away, but none of these people were in my immediate family circle, so it was always quite a lot different to how I feel as I write.
In 2021, my grandad got COVID-19. He had COPD at the time and was hospitalized. He recovered thankfully and had a full body scan to assess the damage the illness had on his body. They later found out from this that he had lung cancer which had been there for around 18 months! He started chemotherapy and later radiotherapy; they both worked but they didn't work absolute wonders. We knew from the beginning that my grandads treatment was to extend his life - not save it, so any help that the treatment gave was a win. He's currently undergoing immunotherapy; the doctors let us know that he had a high level of something in his blood (I forget what) which indicated that the treatment would be successful. He's undergone 3 rounds of immunotherapy now and had a scan a week after the third bout. The results were today which told us that it isn't really working and the cancer had ever so slightly grown in size. They're going to try a few more rounds and then scan him again, but if it doesn't work then there isn't much else they can do for him.
My grandad played a huge part in raising me - while I still have both parents, I was always at his house growing up while they worked, and we've always joked that I'm his youngest daughter. At 22, I'm finding it hard to even consider my future without him. Thoughts such as 'my grandad will never see my qualify as a psychologist, he'll never see me get married, we'll never have that moment where I have my own baby and introduce them to him.'
As a trainee psychologist, I support so many others through their struggles in life, including loss. But to go through it yourself is just a feeling that I wouldn't wish upon another person. I'm at work right now, crying into my laptop as I type away onto a forum, feeling like my life is over at 22. My heart hurts and my family aren't the most cuddly when it comes to emotions - I just feel so alone. I wish things were different.
Thank you so much for your support 
️
Hi AKCob
I was reading a book the other day "Working on Yourself Doesn't Work" and it really spoke to me. I often help people in my workplace and sometimes issues occur that are a bit close to home and I then need to find someone to reach out to. It can be amazing typing something to our friends on here - and yes I have cried over the keyboard before now.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Thank you, Rose. I feel really comforted knowing I’m not alone. I’m so sorry you feel the way I do ️
Thank you so much for your reply. It certainly can be taxing giving so much of yourself to others in this career - I’m so grateful to connect with someone likewise. It’s a shame it’s under this circumstance. I’m currently balancing MSc Clinical Psych with my part time assistant psych job and my bank MH health care assistant job, so I have very little time to dedicate to self care. In terms of support, my parents unfortunately aren’t very empathetic people, as amazing as they are in other areas, I can’t turn to them for emotional support - they are very cold in this regard. Because I struggle to open up to my own parents, I fear opening up to friends in case they invalidate me as well. I’m grateful for this forum, MacMillan reached out with some really helpful links and hearing from others in the comments is comforting me. Thank you so much for commenting
