My father has brain cancer. I don't know how to feel.

My whole life, I spent desperate to get away. Get away from the emotional torment of my father and my parent's toxic relationship. My earliest and most prominent moments of my father aren't happy ones. He's emotionally neglectful and absent. He's a drunk. He scares me. I went through a phase where I confused my fear with anger, that anger was easier to understand than my fear. I'm an adult. I moved back in with my parents after a traumatic situation with a former best friend and roommate. The past year for me has been self discovery. I have ADHD and CPTSD. I've been grieving the loss of the person I thought I was; lazy, unmotivated, destined for a mediocre existence. For the past month, my father's health has rapidly been declining and his emotional abuse has increased as a result. He is the type of person who sucks the happiness and safety out of a room without uttering a word. His stumbling around and increased deplorable attitude left me feeling on edge and desperate to escape. Too much of it all resembled his drunken stupors as a child.

On Friday, he couldn't stop falling so my mother called an ambulance. On Saturday we learned he has three masses on his brain, one on each side of his brain and a mass growing out of the one on the right. On Sunday, he has brain surgery and is under the knife for at least 7 hours. There was hope that it'd be a brain abscess, an infection. They did complete scans of his entire body. It's not secondary; everything else in his body is functioning on par with a man of his age.  This only made my family more hopeful for a nasty infection. Instead... the doctor found a big disaster instead. The tumors were the size of orange. One of the masses had ruptured, there was blood everywhere. He was able to remove everything and he apparently already got an MRI after surgery, I'm guessing to see the damage and if there is anything left to treat with oncology. 

Surgeon is pretty sure its malignant but the biopsy results won't be for a few days. If he had a guess, these tumors started at least two months ago. I'm a very realistic person. I found my ADHD has influenced the way I see the world, probably my trauma too. Everything is black and white to me. It's easier to already assume the worst and this will be the end of him in very rapid succession. I don't know how to feel about that.

I'm so conflicted because I do have hope for my father while simultaneously feeling a sense of safety in my own home I've never really experienced. I can make as much noise without being scared of a negative response. I'm not hiding in my room for a sense of safety in my personal space. But my dad is likely dying. I don't really think there is any wiggle room for a 'miracle' in this case, that miracle that everyone else is holding onto. Don't get me wrong, I wish for that too while at the same time terrified of the emotional impact of him coming home in such a vulnerable state. I go from feeling like I am going to be okay and I can handle whatever happens, to explosive flashes of overwhelming dread with panic attacks and stomach issues. I'm scared and I don't even know what I'm scared of. The impending change? The uncertainty? My own grief? Probably all of the above, if I'm honest. I keep disassociating, so my moments of clarity when I realize this is my life now hit me hard.

I feel like there's something wrong with me, I'm not upset enough, I feel. I should be in shambles. I should be desperate to go be by his side yet nothing fills me with more dread. The thing is, I am upset. I am in shambles. What a bizarre, cruel trick my mind is playing.