My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive bladder cancer in November. I have 2 children aged 24 and 21. My husbands chemo was stopped as it was causing more harm than good so they are starting him on immunotherapy when his white blood count lowers. I am struggling with the balance of looking after my own mental health and looking after my husband. I feel I have to keep going and being positive for everyone but I am struggling. I feel so guilty at times when I think of myself. How does everyone else cope with all the questions? Do I go back to work? Do I go for coffee with friends? Do I go to the rugby? Please help
Hi Bairns
My wife has had cancer, Leiomyosarcoma, for quite a few years now.
Some years ago I broke, then I got on a living with less stress course. The main thing I got was about living in the here and now, I was easily able to try to make predictions that were in essence worse than anything that really happens - even if I said I was going to be positive. Life still likes to throw us a curveball though and the conscious breathing exercises I learnt are great for the "take a step back, deep breath, right now let us tackle this problem". Transcendental mediation though did not really gel with me.
Some find being at work quite helpful, we can feel in control in a "normal" world coping with the normal things in life - great if the employer is supportive and can find a role where sudden absences might not cause a big problem but without knowing about your work cannot really say what is good for you.
In terms of doing things like going for coffee or the rugby - they sound good to me. If your husband needs someone with him perhaps your children could take a turn - this is likely to be a memory they might treasure going forward.
<<hugs>>
Steve
HI Bairns
so sorry to hear about all that your husband, you and your family are going through. Life's too cruel at times.
I am currently supporting my husband through his stage 4 brain tumour journey. He was diagnosed in Sept 2020. Our kids are slightly older- they are now 25 and 23.
First off...please do not feel guilty about thinking about yourself. You need to take care of you too. This is your journey too and the journey of a carer can be a tough one - emotionally and physically. It's one I've been on for two and a half years and I don't mind admitting that I am exhausted. It's ok to show those emotions- no one expects you to be positive and strong all the time. We're only human and humans are fuelled by emotions. It's the strongest and most resilient among us who show those emotions.
There are no hard and fast rules about how you cope unfortunately. I wrote a community blog for MacMiIllan last year on the subject (here's the link “I’m fine”: how do you really cope as a carer? - Macmillan Online Community)
So to answer your questions-
Do you go back to work? That perhaps depends on what your job is. I'm fortunate I can work form home and my employers have been supportive throughout if I've needed time off to take my husband to appointments. Personally I find working gives my days a bit of structure and normality and its time when I can focus on something other than my husband's health.
Do I go for coffee with friends? Yes!! You need to take time to relax and recharge your wee batteries. It's not selfish to take some "me time". It's essential to help you cope with everything else that's going on,
Do I go to the rugby? Yes- same answer as above. For me, it's rock concerts and yes, at first I did feel a bit guilty about going out but it does you so much good to switch off from it all for a few hours.
This community and Carers only forum - Macmillan Online Community have been great sources of support for me over the past couple of years so please reach out here anytime. There's always someone around to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer that virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. We're all here for each other and we will get through this
It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.
I hope this has helped.
For now though, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong. You are coping so much better than you give yourself credit for (you'll just need to trust me on that).
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
