Does anyone have a partner or loved one who is facing terminal cancer but is in denial?
My wife has a ‘likely’ diagnosis of lymphoma which is causing a lot of alarming symptoms. The ‘likely’ is because she won’t have the confirming test for lymphoma. She also won’t have a CT scan or even speak to oncology about chemotherapy.
She says she is planning to follow a raw food diet to try and beat the cancer but she is not currently doing this.
I don’t know what can make her realise she needs help.
She says she ‘beat’ lymphoma in her early 30s before I knew her and this has almost been a part of her identity since I have known her.
But back then she had no symptoms and she had the lump removed and had one session of chemotherapy before deciding she didn’t want any more.
I suspect her lymphoma never went away and something like the crash diet she went on before Christmas or even the menopause has set it off again with a vengeance.
We have two small children aged 3 and 1 and I don’t know how she can not be doing anything possible to stay with us.
I think she might be using denial as a coping mechanism.
I’m really dreading having to tell our 3 year old his other mum is dead.
My wife is talking about Christmas this year and the future and I’m just thinking ‘you don’t have that’. But how can I say that to her? Should I just be harsh? I’m at home so we’re spending a lot of time together which I’m grateful for, but I don’t want to spent the time we have left arguing.
Hi StressedMum
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It is incredibly difficult to deal with our emotions when we think a loved one is not following the path we think is right. If we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer we can perhaps see some of what you might be feeling and perhaps that might help you where you are now.
When my wife was first diagnosed she never wanted a prognosis and I really struggled with that, we had a young son and I was thinking "how will I cope when" - and it really did not help me at all. Janice's first encounter with chemotherapy was challenging in that it caused a lung to collapse.
I ended up doing a living with less stress course that helped me understand that I was predicting a black future rather than appreciating what we have. The conscious breathing exercises were great at helping me cope when life throws us the next curveball but also good for helping me relax and get a good nights sleep.
Our son is 18 now, he has lived with a mum with cancer for most of his life. It is not totally comfortable but it is - and Janice is still here and actually in fairly good health. He has seen me in hospital a few times too but we had planned what would happen if both of us died - the thought at the time was it might be a car crash.
<<hugs>>
Steve
