Hi.
My father in law has stage 4 prostate cancer and AF. Within reason, these were being managed until a few months ago when he completed his last bout of chemo. The AF has come back with a vengeance.
I'm here as I'm very concerned about both my father in law, who has worsening symptoms and seems to be sticking his head in the sand, and my mother in law, who I'm very close to, and is finding it harder and harder to cope.
My father in law is breathless, exhausted and sleeping alot more, either not wanting to eat or sick shortly after eating (or drinking more recently). He has periods of dizziness and needs help moving around and getting up/down stairs. He also seems to be unable to get warm. He struggles to pass bowel movements. However, whenever he talks to a medical professional, he tells them everything is okay, he's a bit tired but all good otherwise. He's even bought his own complan to take so that he doesn't have to bother the doctor about his poor eating. He is getting understandably weaker and weaker. We know his AF is a huge cause of this, but we also know that he has had to delay some treatment for the cancer side of things due to the AF.
My mother in law is not in the best of health either but trying to keep her husband happy and comfortable. She struggles to get him around, pick him up when he falls, get him up and down stairs or help him in the shower. She is the one up all hours with him when he's being sick, had an accident or struggling to sleep/pass bowel movements etc. She also doesn't like leaving him alone, even when he's asleep/napping in the day. She can see him deteriorating and then telling the doctors it's all okay. She is frustrated and tired, and also then guilty and upset with her feelings/frustration. She feels like she can't contact anyone for help for him as he wouldn't like it and she doesn't know what to say to them. She also feels like she can't contact anyone for help for herself because she doesn't know who to contact, what to ask for and feels extremely guilty for needing help/going "behind his back". She also feels it'd be a breach of their relationship to talk to someone about him or her feelings about the situation.
I believe this is probably all very common.
But I don't know what to do to help him or her, or them collectively. They need help, even from an emotional point of view, let alone physical assistance with care but also helping his symptoms/discomfort. They are both exhausted.
I don't know what I want from this post - I guess just to ask for similar experiences or ways I can try and help them. We all want my father in law to stay at home (as his fear is likely going into hospital and not coming back out) but I just see the worst is going to happen here - he's going to have the inevitable fall or similar, break a hip or something, and then really go into hospital and be so weak/poorly from ignoring all the above, he really might not actually come back out! His choice is his choice, but perhaps there is something to help them both manage on a day to day basis.
Thanks for reading
Hi VixyFiend
The in-laws should get a needs assessment for your father-in-law and a carers assessment for your mother-in-law - these are a right and something they paid tax and national insurance for. Their local council is responsible for these.
If we look at Looking after someone with cancer I would highlight the bit on "coping with being a carer". All too often carers put their needs last and we break too - I did looking after my wife and that finally pushed me to look for help, I found some and now my wife and I work together better than we ever did before. We are lucky, my wife's cancer is stable and so occasional observation is all we need and meanwhile I am there when she needs me.
<<hugs>>
Steve
