Dad in final weeks needing advice

Hi,

      I don't have any great advice but just wanted to say that I am going through a very similar situation. My mum has stage 4 lung cancer and secondary brain cancer. She's declined very rapidly since Christmas, and is now bed bound and not eating like your dad. Palliative care being sorted today. I am also wanting to know what to expect and how long it will last.

Like you, I'm feeling drained and emotionally exhausted. I am lucky to have a good support network and lots of friends have messaged offering to help with practical things like shopping, etc. I'm not in the mood to talk much, though. Some friends have distanced themselves because I think they feel awkward and don't know what to say. I'm trying to hold it together to support my family so can't afford to open up to friends too much as I'm scared I'll start crying and won't be able to stop. I guess I'll lean on them when I need to in the future.

"One day at a time" is my new mantra and I try to focus on what I can do to help my mum feel comfortable and take some of the weight of practical matters off my dad's shoulders.     

Hi there,

firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I understand how massive the weight of this situation is, as I’m experiencing similar with my mum. It’s not easy, and like you, I find it incredibly difficult to stay connected with “the outside world” at the moment. I don’t know how understanding your friends are, but I explained the situation to mine (some more in-depth than others), and mostly they’ve all been lovely about it all. Right now, your priority is yourself and your family, your friends will be there when you need them to be. 

Some friends may understand better than others, and some of them may feel awkward about it, but how they respond to what you need right now, isn’t your responsibility. What you’re going through is awful and life changing, I hope that your friends appreciate that and are endlessly empathic. Take care x

Hi there, so sorry to hear about your situation.  I'm here with you. My dad is stage 4 and in hospice care for about a week now. Its looking like a matter of weeks. I find myself disassociating a lot and have completely withdrawn from all social activity. I often find myself blanking out and staring in to space in the supermarket, becoming listless and easily overwhelmed. I can't bear the thought of putting on a brave face and making mundane conversation while all of this horror is going on. I feel lonely and isolated, and it's hard to talk about with people who just don't understand. I think you need to cut yourself some slack and try not to worry too much about showing up for others right now. In time, you will resurface and reach out to people when you are ready. The friends who are worth it will be there waiting for you with a hug and a glass of wine. I read something recently that said "if you self isolate when overwhelmed, you probably had to solve a lot of your problems alone as a child", I found that quite interesting. I see some truth in that for me. Definitely one day at a time, breaking the day down into small chunks and trying to find moments of calm and distraction help. 

Hi

first of all just want to say thanks so much for opening up and being so kind. So sorry you are going through the same. It is really such an up and down journey and emotions are changing by the minute. Trying to take every day as it comes but the reality is weighing very heavy. 

agree with what you say about friends - some just don’t know what to say. The anticipatory grief is also awful, I’ve noticed I have zero appetite and sleeping very little from the stress. 

I feel very much my life is on hold until that awful moment happens… I find grief feels a very lonely place, as if oddly no one can relate or  do the right thing to make you feel better. I find I also resent normality and normal chats because it all feels so far away from life right now.

Sending a hug 

Hi leanne 

first of all just want to say thanks so much for opening up and being so kind.

I feel very much my life is on hold until that awful moment happens… I find grief feels a very lonely place, as if oddly no one can relate or  do the right thing to make you feel better. I find I also resent normality and normal chats because it all feels so far away from life right now.

I also agree I shouldn’t make it my responsibility, I guess I fear losing friends over this if they don’t show up the way they’re should or say the right thing…

I’m finding family that’s going through it with me is the real support network, but overthinking who’s being there for me although I am being very reserved about the situation…

thanks again

Sending a hug 

Hi

i can completely relate to how you feel, sorry you are going through it. Having other people there really does lessen the load, I couldn’t be doing this without my family helping with the care. 

I relate to the disassociation. I’ve cancelled all my social plans. I too feel like snarling at people that talk about irrelevant things right now, yet two months ago i was such a social person by nature and love people. I find its changed my personality and I’m scared i and life won’t ever be the same. 

I really like that quote, it’s very true, I had to cope with a lot of things alone as a child and tend to withdraw when something is too triggering so that’s also interesting. 

I feel guilty just going for a walk today, hopefully this pain will get easier with time. 

thanks and sending a hug 

Hello lovely,

your feelings are completely natural, and I totally understand where you’re coming from about feeling like real life is on hold until the inevitable happens. It’s an awful feeling, but same as you, I often question how the world is still turning and people around me are still going about their normal business when this tragedy is unfolding before us all. 

I personally don’t think that you’re overthinking anything, we want our friends to be there in times of hardship, and it’s incredibly disheartening when they aren’t. I hope that the supportive ones are a beacon of light for you in this difficult time, I told one of my friends that I was afraid to cry in front of people because I didn’t want to upset them/make them feel awkward. Her response? “F them if they feel awkward, it’s not their mum that’s dying.” She’s not wrong, and I echo that same sentiment to you. Vulnerability is so icky and alien, but the right people will be there to soften the blow.

If you need to talk, you’re more than welcome to drop me a message, I promise you that I understand what you’re dealing with, and you’re not on your own. X