Hello all,
I am new to this community and it has been a great source of help for me. So firstly, thank you for everything.
A few years ago my Dad was diagnosed with advanced stage 4 prostate cancer. He has surprised us all with how long he's held out and lived his life as if this wasn't really happening. He is an eternal optimist and very positive in his outlook. Unfortunately, over Christmas, things took a turn for the worst and he has declined rapidly. It is now dawning on all of us that we are nearing the end and its an incredibly hard reality to cope with. I really resonate with other posts I have seen here, I'm not ready to lose him.
The whole Christmas break was awful. I looked after him for a short while so that my family member could have a break. It was lovely to spend time with him but also very upsetting to see the deterioration and his lack of autonomy. It was also tremendously jarring seeing everyone so happy on social media when it felt like my entire world was falling apart. Rather than relaxing and taking a break from the last year, I was immersed in the world of cancer. Learning about morphine, pain medication and end of life care. And bringing in the new year? Happy New Year?!! Even more disconcerting and uncomfortable, nothing happy about it! Will this be the year I lose my Dad? How can I slow time down? Why is life doing this? Some of the questions which come to me in the early hours while my brain tries to process what is happening.
In the past week, things continued to deteriorate. A trip in the ambulance singing along to Mama Mia with the paramedics. A&E visits in to the late hours of the night and then eventually, this week I drove my Dad to the hospice for some respite care. I don't think that you can ever really be prepared for what that feels like. But the combination of seeing him there, and the myriad of questions from staff around end of life administrative questions completely broke me. For the last couple of weeks I have been running on cortisol and adrenaline. But once I left the hospice, I completely broke down. I was angry and upset. Work had started up again and people were coming back with a renewed sense of purpose and energy, whereas I felt burnt out, emotionally drained and not able to cope with basic tasks. Thankfully I spoke to my manager about how I was feeling and she was incredible. I've asked to scale back on work and handover some important projects to my colleagues. I came to the realisation that if I continued on this path, I would have a complete nervous breakdown. What I have learnt is that if you don't look after yourself, it will catch up with you and your body keeps the score. I was having chest pains from the stress, which was my body's way of telling me... slow down! I am so glad that I have taken a step back from work to focus on him and my family, and try to stop myself from falling into a depressive pit.
I know it sounds laboured and cliche, but remember if you are supporting someone you love with cancer, you need to make sure you arent running on empty too. After my breakdown I came up with a list of things I could do to try and help myself. One of these was writing on here! I am thinking of you all and please know that you arent alone. This feels like a really isolating experience, but we are in this together.
