Prolonged grief

My dad was only diagnosed a few weeks ago, but I can empathise to some degree. I can’t seem to focus on work at all (I’ve recently started a new job so still in training) and it’s like ‘cancer’ is on my mind 24/7. This morning I woke up with fingernail marks in my palms where I’ve been clenching my fists throughout the night. 
I am exploring using a counsellor because I don’t really have anyone to vent/cry to, but there’s this overarching feeling that I just want someone to help, and no-one can help, because I’m still going to lose my dad. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I never knew.
You must be utterly exhausted after 3 1/2 years. I wish I had some tips to help, but you’re definitely not alone in being consumed by this. X

Hi EJ

We only got our Dad's diagnosis a couple of months ago and we are already at end of life care. So a much shorter journey for us. But the last two months have definately taken their toll. Several hospital stays, a very busy few weeks caring for him at home where we just felt like we were firefighting his symptoms and then having to make the decision for him to go into a hospice. I am also a teacher and managed to work until quite recently but I've made the decision that I can't be in work at the moment. I need to be able to visit Dad when I want and to be able to give myself some space for the shock and anticipatory grief I'm feeling. If I was working I wouldn't be able to self-care at all as either side of work I have my own children to care for. Luckily my school are being very supportive. I usually hate being off sick and never take time off but I know I just don't have the strength to act as teacher at the moment. It wouldn’t be fair on my class.

Don't be afraid to put yourself first and sending you lots of strength.

yup, cancer is an overwhelming and over consuming thought. Always there! So sorry about your dad. No matter the time frame it doesn't make it any easier. 

I totally get that, I've been contemplating seeing someone too but hard when they won't exactly know what you're going through. 

sending lots of love. Awful under the circumstances but nice to meet people who know what this feels like x

Hi, 

really sorry to hear this, life is just so cruel and unfair. I'm glad you've took the time away from arguably one of the most consuming professions to spend time with your dad. So important. 

I feel I will get to that point eventually when I need time away but yes you're right, can't look after others if you neglect your own self-care.

Thank you for replying to me, sending love to you and your family!