Where do I start? Wednesday 31st August my son was given a diagnosis of incurable lung cancer. The bottom of my world fell out as he shut down and would not answer my calls or texts, I knew something was wrong, I could sense that this news was devastating, I felt sick, as 10 years ago (2012) I had been the cancer patient, now here I was begging that dont let the the same disease be back again, not my child.
The following day, he sent the awful text at 12 44pm to tell me that it was what he had been fearing. I let out the most painful cry, I felt like my world had just exploded, the feeling of sickness in the bottom of my stomach, never was there a moment I thought I would die or wanted to do, not my son, not my child, why? why? I froze rooted to the spot, feeling faint, I wanted him to say it was a joke, anything but this. I wanted answers but I didn't, this reintroduced fear back into the fold of our family, knowledge is power, but when it's a traumatic incident it brings PTSD, I know this from past experiences only too well I wanted to run or hide the flight or fight simulator kicked in. My son this is happening to lives 2 and a half hours away with his girlfriend, my son is only 24, no age for this to be happening and doesn't smoke.
My other children spent the evening together, 2 teenagers and my daughter is older than my 24 year old.
On the Friday my son agreed to his girlfriend to ring me whilst he was at work, she rang in the morning and told me that he has incurable lung cancer and they were checking if it had spread to his brain as they found it in his lymph nodes. I will never forget that pain I felt at that very moment, it was deep in my soul . First you blame yourself, as cancer runs in my family, did I birth children to watch them die? why him? looking at my children, grandchildren, will this happen to them? I am the head of my family, both my parents are now gone, my dad last year and my mum 3 years ago, no one to support me, this feeling deep inside, I am scared, I am terrified, wanting a crystal ball to see in the future, but would I really want to know? , if life doesn't swing in my favour, cancer is the lottery no one wants to win.
We get to Saturday he messages and says he went food shopping, the reminder he is still here, the fear still there, I wanna bring him home and wrap him up in cotton wool and protect him that deep feeling inside, the maternal pull wanting your babies close, with the irony of almost ignoring your other children as you are so consumed with fear for the adult child your worrying about.
Sunday he messages letting me know he is doing ok and will ring tomorrow with an update on his mri, which he had on Friday but still won't ring, I am so scared, all I do is look at my phone all day praying he will ring.
On the Monday he finally does ring, I hear his voice but I have promised not to cry, not an easy task, but we speak and ge tells me so far it has not spread to the brain. This seems such good news for now. It hurts so much that I can't stop this happening to my first born son, why him? why not me? life is so cruel, he has never harmed anyone.
the following week, he has an appointment with,his oncologist to discuss targeted therapies and a start date, but on that day he is admitted into hospital with a suspected DVT. my world again is upside down, they scan him and find several clots on both lungs, also his saturation levels are down and he begins to struggle to breathe. For the week he seems to becoming weaker and weaker, the thorasics team want to do a bronchoscopy as they now discover that the cancer has entered his windpipe and bronchial tubes which is causing issues for him to breathe, I am asking why is this happening to him, let him breathe, please let him live to have treatment, yesterday he finally had the minor surgery and made it through, he looks so weak and thin, but he is still alive and they want to start treatment either tomorrow or Monday, I need to find the strength to get through this awful nightmare, I am not eating or sleeping, just living in fear, praying that this disease does not take him from us.
