Support my dad through cancer

Big hugs to you. I totally understand that it can feel like you're being selfish thinking about how you can deal with the news too, but rest assured that you're not. There are so many people affected - you've got the person dealing directly with it and all the family and friends who need to support but then also process their own feelings. 

I don't think there's an easy answer. I'm in a similar situation and I'm not dealing with it very well at the moment, in that I'm burying it and getting on with day-to-day life. But that's just my way right now and there's nothing wrong with that.

A diagnosis like this makes it all final in a way, it sets a kind of deadline and that adds the pressure. I asked my Mum what she wanted to do in the finial months/years (we don't know how many) and she replied with family dinners, getting together, seeing my dogs for cuddles and just normal everyday things. That's helped me to a certain extent, so we speak all the time and we get together every few weeks to do something, keeping it simple. Can you take some of the pressure off yourself to do similar?

The thing I found with my Mum's diagnosis is that it adds so much uncertainty when what we really need are answers and a manual on how to deal with it!

Sending you lots of hugs, it's tough but keep talking on the forum and I believe the helpline is really good too.  

Thank you so much for your reply and you’re so right, it’s the small things isn’t it. We need to get back to just “being” I suppose. I’m so sorry to hear your going through something similar, truly. Just awful and like you say, there is no right or wrong here.. we all process difficulties differently and that’s ok, however you choose to cope is right for you x

This whole journey often leaves you with more questions than answers doesn’t it and just as you’re dealing with one thing and get your head around that something new pops up! 

thank you for the love and advise… I really do appreciate it. Sending love and hugs your way x

Keeping it simple is key, I think. My Mum really struggled through the last few rounds of her treatment, she was so unwell and didn't feel able to do anything. So we rallied round and did things like had an early dinner when we knew she'd be able to eat a bit. We sat in the garden one afternoon and just drank tea and chatted. We've wandered slowly to the local pub and had a bite to eat. I'm a runner so I've done a couple of short races, one in my home town so she could come out for the morning and cheer me on - ok, that was more for me but she absolutely loved the change of scenery and meeting lots of new people. 

Knowing that we're doing what she wants to do and feels able to do, being guided by her really, has helped me enormously to know that we're making the most of what we have right now. 

Thank you for your kind words. We're coming up to a year since diagnosis and there's been a new twist in the last week which we weren't expecting. I'm sure there will be more. 

Take care x

I'm so sorry you're all going through this, I can really relate to how you are feeling. My dad has incurable cancer and there are so many thoughts going through my head. I also completely agree that it feels like the greiving has already started even though my dad is still here. 

Please let yourself feel whatever you are feeling, everything you are feeling is completely valid and try not to tell yourself you should or shouldn't be feeling a certain way. People have said to me I just need to make memories with my dad and spend as much time with him as possible and I can understand why people are saying that but equally I want to do what he wants me to do. He said he wants us all to carry on and he wants to spend time with everyone but not all at once as that is too much for him. 

You're allowed to feel angry, upset and overwhelmed. These are all things I am feeling too as well as helpless. I feel so angry at the world at the moment and some days I will just cry and cry then other days I can have a more rational conversation about it. I have been spending my evenings doing jigsaw puzzles because it keeps my brain busy! At the moment that is whats working for me. I am isolating myself a bit from friends because I don't feel like I have the head space for full on conversations but at the moment I'm ok with being a bit isolated. The emotions will change over time and it will be a big rollercoaster but try and take things one day at a time. 

Please don't be hard on yourself, let yourself feel the things you are feeling because it is ok to feel all those things and not selfish at all. 

Sorry if that is no help! My inbox is always open if you need a chat x

Honestly we really do all need a manual for this! Before my dad was diagnosed, I didn't know a great deal about how cancer is diagnosed and the process to follow - I only knew what you see on TV and in films where someone has one appointment and they are told there and then all the information. We now know the reality is far from that! and actually more appointments and scans lead to more questions and many of them can't be answered. Its such a waiting game and it is so unknown isn't it. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is insanely hard isn't it. Also feel like I am just not coping. My inbox is always open if you need a chat x

I think we get so used to following processes and procedures in life that when we're thrown a curveball like cancer, the uncertainty is so hard to cope with and we end up searching for answers that aren't necessarily there. 

I totally agree, even though Mum is still here, I find myself preparing the opening words to her eulogy which sounds horribly morbid. 

I'm sorry you're going through this too, I hate what this does to people and families.

That’s such amazing advise, thank you so much. Sounds like, although I know all too well it isn’t easy, you’re all making this time so special for mum. 

our aim is to get through the next few days of scans, which seems endless! And meetings and then take it from there. I’m learning it’s a “day by day” process which is difficult but dad is fighting on so we fight on with him. 

honestly I so appreciate all the advise, just reading this makes me feel a little better, I guess to know you are not alone. 

I hope you continue to make those special memories for you all and mama and keep up with the running! X

Hey, 

thank you so much for the kind words of support and I’m so so sorry you’re also going through this . It’s just awful. 

it’s funny what you say about “cutting off” a little from people, I find myself doing the same at times, often I don’t have the energy to talk about it or selfishly just for a day I want not too and for life to be normal for a bit (if that makes any sense). Brilliant idea re keeping your mind occupied… I think I need to think of something, it’s the evenings that feel worse, when you’re not with others and alone with your own thoughts often the sadness and fear kicks in. 

you’re absolutely right in that you must do whatever you need to do to cope, I must remember that when my sister and mum take themselves away and shut down. I’m learning that there is no “right way” to deal with any of this and you have to do whatever is best for you to cope. 

thank you so much for the advise, it’s highly helpful and I’m so grateful. I really do hope you’re doing ok, my inbox is always there if needed x

Doesn’t sound morbid at all… I have found myself doing the same thing with dad. I think it’s our minds way of coping, almost “preparing” ourselves as best we can for protection. I don’t know, this is all just so awful and there seems to be making no sense of any of it. We often find we come out of meetings with more questions than answers! x

Hi to all of you, I’ve been here with both parents. Both had different cancers obviously but it’s so scary and horrific and almost lost both of them but was lucky enough to at least be spared one unfortunately the other past I hope that doesn’t upset any of you just wanted to say I know this feeling all too well it hurts everyday you go through it whether they stay or unfortunately have to leave but I’ve been through it all 4 times now and if any of you need to talk I am here inbox open and always willing to help and try to give advice in any way I can because I pray nobody ever feels the way I felt (unfortunately I know everyone that goes through this will feel that way but don’t do it alone) 

L

xx