First of all I hope I don't upset or offend anyone with my post but Im just struggling.
My husband has bowel cancer, his had surgery and now he's having chemo. It's not been straightforward from start to end. We have a son of primary school age.
I have been feeling so vunerable and scared and alone. I'm freightened and I'm scared of being abandoned. I'm a talker my husband isn't really. I find it hard to express myself, I'm not sure what is fair to share. The problem is I am full of angst right now and I don't think my husband knows how bad I am feeling. I'm so unhappy. What makes it worse is he will then make some foolish comment, out of ill thought and his sense of humour, but for me it's just triggering and makes me feel worse. I feel trapped sometimes. I wish he would understand but I'm not sure he ever will unless I literally break down in tears.
I hate our situation. I feel like no one cares. I know they do but that's how it feels.
I care deeply for my husband and it stresses me to see him battle with chemo effects. But I don't feel a reciprocation of feelings. He's not a bad man but we just deal with things differently.
This is a bad patch, we are 11 months in on this journey. When it's awful, it really is awful. I could cry.
Hi Kat55
You are totally right - this is a bad patch. I have had quite a few and I cried, sometimes cancer is awful and we often describe is as a tsunami.
Welcome to our community though - we know life with cancer sucks, except when it does not and those times can be really priceless.
I broke, then I did a living with less stress course. Found out how to deal with pain - notice I was hurting without is overwhelming me. Found out I needed to live in the here and now as I was easily able to imagine things much worse. Conscious breathing training was also great for helping me when things turn sour - some people notice my speech get slower and more controlled but most don't. One thing I notice in others though is when they start speaking really fast - often a significant signal for someone stressed.
One thing I hated was when my wife was in hospital and told me "I am ok, don't worry about me - like that was going to happen".
<<hugs>>
Steve
