My sister (in her 40s, married with a 2 year old) has been ill recently and rapidly losing weight. She was eventually persuaded to go to A&E (various GP appts & and escoposcy found 'nothing' other than anxiety) and now within 36 hours all of our lives have been turned upside down.
She has breast cancer, a huge tumour in her stomach, it is in her liver and her blood. I hadn't seen her for a month (we don't live nearby) and when i visited her in hospital i couldn't beleive what she looked like. She told me that the hospital nurses were being kind about bending the visiting rules because "they know i am going to die soon"
We await test results and a prognosis, and i know nothing about cancer (this is all new to me) but she looks to me like she is not being melodramatic. She has gone from a beautiful radiant person to someone who looks like a concentration camp victim in just 1 month. I am still reelimg from the shock.
How do i help my sister?
I am worrying about
- Her child. Where can i get advice on how to tell him what is happening and how to deal with bereavement. What mental health provisions are there for children? He is 32 months.
- What happens next. If she goes home (will she go home?) then how will she get care?
- Her finances. She had just got made redundant, and her partner is also getting made redundant. They won't want to take their child out of nursery but how will they be able to afford it?
- How i can support her whilst recognising my own family responsibilities. I have my own family 2 hours away. I can't stay with my mum all the time. It is my daughter's birthday soon, we have family holiday plans ...i just don't know how i can manage juggling everything and am feeling very overwhelmed.
- Any tips on managing the NHS? Her first night in the hospital she had no pillow or sheets over her as they'd run out. When she had her biopsy she was told she wpuld have to wait 2 weeks as there was a "backlog' and when i questioned the (very lovely but visibly stressed) nurse when he looked in her folder the notes that should have been in there had not been made (and what IS this whole notes on paper sysrem?! We live in a digital age FFS). Already i have my heads in my hands and realise that we are going to have to be really 'on it' to advicate for her.
If anyone can give me some practical advice, i would be so very grateful.
And a virtual hug wouldn't go amiss too.
Hi SisterSister
So sorry to hear about your sister, especially with her having such a young child.
You say she is married, normally they the next of kin would be their partner though I am sure they would appreciate any help they can get and "team around the patient" is often better than you are on your own.
When my wife was really ill our lifesaver was not actually family - similar to you they lived some distance away - but a really good friend who lived very close. If we got delayed at the hospital and it was time for the school run etc then they always stepped up.
We often describe on here a cancer diagnosis as like a tsunami we have a guide on here - Supporting a family member with cancer
For your brother in law it might be helpful for him to talk to our work support service who may be able to give him some ideas.
<<hugs>>
Steve
