Any Advice?

Hello all, 

i spend most of my sleepless nights reading through these forums but I thought I would try a post.

 

I am 25 years old and my 30 year old fiancé was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer late last year. To say it was a shock is an understatement, we are both completely heartbroken. 

 

He is well into his treatment plan of chemo and immuno and the last CT scan showed that the cancer had not spread any further. 


When he was initially diagnosed he took several months off of work sick, but he has recently gone back to work full time. since starting back at work he is just so tired all of the time and I am worried he is over doing it. 
 

understandably he is constantly worrying that his health is deteriorating, and is very paranoid about any aches and pains he has. I try to keep him positive, but he is just so down all of the time. How do I help him? 
 

He wants to start looking at us buying our first home together. We would both be first time buyers and I worry that we would not be given a mortgage due to his health. Does anybody have any idea about this? 
 

I lay awake most nights thinking about losing him, and I feel like I am grieving for him before he is gone. I am trying to make every day count with him, but I am so scared about losing him that my grief is taking over. I am exhausted trying to be upbeat and positive around him all the time. Whenever I am going through anything difficult, he is the one person that I confide in. But he is already going through so much that I just can't tell him about my feelings.

 

sorry about my endless rambling, it's just nice to write all of this down! 

  • Just sending best wishes for the situation that you are in. I think it does help to put your feelings down- each situation will be slightly different. Telling someone else about your feelings may in turn help you talk to him about how you are feeling- no-one can be upbeat and positive all the time when faced with this kind of challenge.

    My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer at the age of 26. It was operable and we were able to move on with our lives. Now aged 59, he has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic cancer and it is terminal. I do feel that I have more personal resources now to deal with the situation and help him now that I did when I was 26. We have had a happy life together- however, it is still hard. 

    I do recognise the feeling of grieving him before he is gone and preparing myself for a life without him- I think this is how our brains do work to protect ourselves. Planning how you would cope with a situation at its worst can calm your mind and help you then focus on where you are right now. 

    I hope that you do manage to get some support for you- there are also Facebook groups if you think this would help. I am looking at trying the Friends and Family online sessions to see if they help. Keeping a journal of your thoughts can be another way to help when you are awake at night, 

  • Hello I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance's diagnosis. Your description of grieving for him before he's gone sounds like anticipatory grief, it's what I experienced when my dad was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. 

    In terms of you looking at buying your first home, it's something you might want to give Macmillan a call about. I think they have a finance advice line and while I've not used it myself they should be able to advise or signpost you.

    I know it's sometimes easier to speak with people you don't know, I personally found Cruse really helpful and they can support with anticipatory grief.

    I bet you're exhausted, especially with your sleepless nights. You mention wanting to make every day count, I also felt this pressure with my dad (not helped by the 'bucket list' culture which perhaps doesn't fully do justice to how exhausting cancer can be) but now I realise it's the really small things that meant the world. A hug, watching your favourite film together, a little walk if he's up for it. 

    Sending you all of my best wishes xxx