Hi there.
If you have seen my other posts they have all been about my best friend who has burkkit's lymphoma and the tumors have left her permanently blind since January this year.
Sadly we received the news last week that she is now terminal with weeks to live if that: there are literally no other options. Her boyfriend (a.k.a. her carer) is furious and is desperate to try get her some help to prolong her life just a little bit. He cannot respond at the moment as he is understandably busy.
I have been very fortunate to see her twice since the terminal diagnosis and each time has been very hard: she does not want people crying in front of her so I have had to show what a good actress I am and be my usual happy self. These were bittersweet moments as we all were happy and laughing and creating memories (she has not lost her sense of humour at all), but of course when she would go back home, we would be incredibly sad. One day I hope I look back on these moments and smile, not cry. But even in pain she was happy and that was what it was all about.
It is the same with the numerous amounts of pictures (not kidding nearly thousands) we used to take- looking at them now is very hard.
We are part of a small group (there are 6 of us in total, we are all couples and we have been a group of 6 since 2017) and we are hoping (it literally is a day by day thing) that we can all meet Friday and play card games one last time. She loved spending time with all her friends and our little group of 6 and her best friends.
But I am struggling.
Not a day goes by when I do not cry some tears. How do you cope knowing the end is coming for her? How do you prepare for that moment? How do you respect her wishes by not crying but expressing your utter sadness and heartache?
Someone (on a different social media platform) said I should not be getting as upset as I am because I am not family and no one cares and I should actually be very grateful as I got to spend a lot of our friendship (6 years) together, but that actually hurts more.
I do not know how I will cope without her in my life. She had such a huge presence in my life and we spent a lot of time together, especially during her first cancer recovery and the lockdowns with virtual coffee and cake chats and movie nights and 80's music quizzes.
I met her at my drama group where I instantly formed a friendship with her and my other best friend. That will be hard to do for a little while.
We were also all going to be each others bridesmaids one day and I know she was very much looking forward to that day as she talked about all the pictures we would take and what we would all wear.
It is really heartbreaking. It is not fair. It is horrible and lonely.
She is only 40 and had so much of life left to give (she never even got to celebrate her birthday). She absolutely loved to live her life, doing things that made her smile and always said she had been living her best life since 2015.
I am sorry if I have upset any of you =(
I am just struggling a bit.
