My dad has bowel cancer

My dad has also been diagnosed with bowel cancer - a year ago now, he's just been told this round of chemo will be his last. None of us have any idea what this means; he has a scan on Monday so we might know some more then. I get garbled information from my mum, I think because she isn't paying much attention in the appointments because she's scared and doesn't want to hear it. She says my dad appreciates when I ask him about cancer stuff... but I don't want to, it scares me too. And I feel like I don't want to bring it up around him? Even though that's stupid. Anyway.

My mum still seems to be holding out hope but my dad has said he isn't "living in cloud cuckoo land" and has essentially accepted that he will die. Luckily he's still taking treatment, but I do wonder, if they offer surgery next, will he take it?

I can't tell you exactly what to do with your dad. I don't know him, I don't know your relationship. A frank discussion obviously hasn't worked. Can you maybe sit him down and gently try and make him see how it's affecting your mum, to see him just give up like that? How maybe even if he doesn't believe it'll do any good, he might be up for having the surgery literally just to help your mum and give her some hope? That's the angle I would go for. Also, even if it doesn't "work", it might make him more comfortable, able to eat more and go to the toilet more easily. 

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I am essentially burying my head in the sand with my situation so I'm not exactly actively involved. My mum deals with feeling out of control by controlling others (mainly me) and was so incredibly overbearing in the first few months that I had to hold her at arms length - and she's absolutely glued to my dad's side, so unfortunately he's at arm's length too :/ xxx

Thank you for your message and I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Much the same with me I’m trying to just get on with things and not think too much about it. Absolutely no need to feel stupid as I know exactly what you mean about talking about it to him, I try to find other things to talk about then the conversation always go back to cancer.  I find it hard to talk to him at the moment which is not usual, all he talks about understandably is the pain he’s in but as I have a 5 year old son I find it hard to listen to especially when my son is in the same room and listens to everything. 

I have 2 brothers so we are going round all together to try and talk to him about how he needs to still be here (he has 4 grandchildren with one on the way) and how my Mam needs him too. Even if he just said he’d go for his pre-op it would be a glimmer of hope, I’ve said I’ll go with him if he wants but it was a no. 

Thank you so much for your advice. I hope you find out more about your dads cancer on Monday, waiting is awful. Xxx

I actually rejoined today because my daughter has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer but saw your post and felt compelled to reply.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2012, aged 64. Whilst investigating they also found a tumour on my kidney.

 It is difficult to make a pathology diagnosis before surgery.  I'm told the tumour in my bowel was the size of an orange. Long story short it was decided to operate on both sites at the same time.  The surgery took seven hours.  After pathology it was discovered the cancers were not related which was a relief.  Along with three quarters of my colon (the operation is called an extended hemicolectomy) they removed twenty lymph nodes and found cancer in one which enabled the cancer to be staged as Dukes 3b.

This meant eight sessions of chemotherapy post surgery.  On the final session they refused to give one of the drugs as I had nerve damage to my feet and fingers. I still do.

Ten years on I had the results of a surveillance colonoscopy just last week and delighted to say there is no apparent recurrence.  I do not have a stoma, (unlike my wife's father after his operation though he also managed that for many years).  I'm proud of my eight inch scar and in absolute awe of the surgeons' skill.  

They simply joined my small intestine to what remained of my colon.  Yes there are side effects, the main one being when I need to go I need to go but that is easily managed.  I've also had to be admitted a couple of times due to obstruction because I guess like any repair it's not as efficient as it was.  When that happens the pain is excruciating but I've learned to recognise the warning signs over the years and take my own remedial action.

Please show your dad this he can't know what they are dealing with until it's cut out, mine was caught just in time. Even if the prognosis is poor there is no need to live in pain.  I was walking round the block after I was released from hospital a week after surgery.  I'd urge him to have surgery, of the three treatment options it is the best.  The minimal side effects following surgery and chemotherapy are of little consequence compared to the alternative.

(btw the operation can be found on You Tube but I really don't recommend watching lol)

This is a truly inspiring story and I’m so glad you shared it with me, it has made me emotional and I am definitely going to share it with my Dad as I think that’s what he’s worried about the operation and what happens after. I am going to read every last word to him and let him see there are people out there who have survived cancer like his.  I’m so glad you got through it and I also am thinking of your daughter.