Too soon

My lovely dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer last September. After what was meant to be curative surgery he was admitted to hospital recently with suspected sepsis, which we quickly found out was actually the result of secondary tumours on his liver and lungs, all of which are terminal. Every conversation with doctors is like a door being shut in our faces, and his situation is so aggressive they can’t offer treatment.

I’ve been back living with my parents for the last three weeks, watching my brilliant, once strong dad fade away by the day. I feel like I’m already grieving the person that he was before he’s gone and then feel unbearably guilty for doing so.

I feel like the natural instinct is to be strong for him and everyone else around me but I’m worried that I’m missing out on time to properly process this with my family by constantly putting on a brave face.

sending love to everybody here x 

  • Hi

    So sorry to hear about your dad, many on here will recognize the anticipatory grief - often the sense of the loss of the live we expected.

    I wish that "being strong" bit was as easy to do as it is to write. I know I did not manage it and when people asked if I was ok when I clearly was not then there was often little they could do to help. I know with my wife when someone says how brave she is - well time I leave the room!



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  • I can completely relate. You are not alone. What you said is extremely close to me. My Dad's progression has declined rapidly and it is extremely scary. I am grieving already. He no longer feels like the real him. I'm just taking in life and my time with him. I feel extremely guilty a lot for feelings and have really disturbing thoughts here and there, but I'm slowly learning that every family member feels the same way. We're all in it together.

    My mom was telling me that once my Dad passes away, things will get better. Grieving will get better. It feels long and terrible right now, but it gets better.

    I'm extremely confused. I'm confused with life and feelings and my Dad. I don't get any of it. I just want relief and I want my Dad to be himself and no longer in pain.

  • I know we don’t know each other but reading your message was such a comfort to know we’re not all alone in these incredibly trying times. 
    I resonate completely with everything you’ve said, and it’s hard to navigate everything you’re feeling right now.

    I don’t know your story fully, but the only advice I can give is to be kind to yourself, soak up the time with your dad and know that even if not much is said, just being with them is enough. There’s a lot of pressure, and stress and guilt that you will put on yourself feeling like you’re not doing enough, but it’s the simple things that will count. 

    My lovely dad passed peacefully today, surrounded by his family. None of this is easy, but know that there’s a group of people here who all understand what you’re going through.

    sending love and strength to you, your family and your dad x