Hi all. Just need a bit of a vent in a place where people may understand. My lovely dad was diagnosed with cancer in November. When it was finally diagnosed he was told he had sarcoma and it was also in his liver, lungs and kidneys. He wasn’t expected to see Christmas but amazingly did. He’s very determined and when he sets his mind to something he just does it. Cancer has been no different. He’s been setting himself little goals - birthdays, anniversaries etc and sure enough has seen each one. He has deteriorated but I’m genuinely amazed at how much he’s done while he’s been ill. He’s been doing loads of stuff in my parents house and garden, I think mainly to get it nice for my mum when he’s gone but his strength has just blown me away. After initially really struggling we had our meaningful conversations and we’ve all just been kind of ticking along, spending what time we can with him. I’ve just hit a wall now though where I’m struggling like I was when he was first diagnosed. It was my mum’s birthday yesterday and I think that was his ‘impossible’ goal, which he has achieved. We had a lovely day. It really couldn’t have been more perfect and as I left their house I did feel a sense of closure. I thought if he was to go now it would be ok. But then I looked at the photos and thought how could I be ok with never seeing my dad again. And I’m really not ok with it. Feeling very tearful tonight and I think the stress is impacting on my health as I’ve felt really achey and under the weather all day (not covid, I did check!). It’s awful to say but I think because we all prepared ourselves for him to pass quite quickly and then he didn’t, every milestone is a blessing but the limbo is also awful. He is at the point now where he is struggling with symptoms, not that he’d ever admit it, so in some ways I just want it to be over. But then I can’t bear the thought of that either. So sorry, just a really self indulgent waffle there! I wouldn’t put this on my family as I have to be strong for them so this is my only outlet really.
Hi Torz
Well done for posting on here though sorry to hear about your dad. Rather familiar with sarcoma as my wife has Leiomyosarcoma. She never wanted a prognosis and I struggled with that but for her they managed to stop the cancer growing so at the moment she is in remarkable health.
That being strong bit - wish is was as easy to do as it is to write. I broke and then some very nice strangers picked me up and helped put me back together. Then I did a living with less stress course that helped me appreciate what I have rather than trying to work out all the "what if's" or "when" because frankly nobody really knows.
BTW you are not self-indulgent - we all need to vent and here is totally great because this big family helps everyone.
<<hugs>>
Steve
