Never enough.....Cruel mind/ cruel head

Hi All,

My fiance is 40 and one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I am lucky to be in a relationship with her. - boy do i know it Slight smile

March 2020 she was diagnosed with Her2+ breastcancer this transpired to have spread to her liver and is now stage 4 cancer. Life can be cruel!

However, over the year, we did amazingly well and created gift days - moments we wouldn't have had it if wasn't for cancer. We lived in the moment and had gratitude for each day we had. 

The year we had seems to get more difficult and more traumatic as we move further away from what we went through. When you are living in the moment it seems achievable and nothing will stop you, once you get out the other side of active treatment and it starts becoming the routine of the hospital every 3 weeks for target therapies, scans then the anxiety of scan results, it feels harder as you aren't in that active treatment moment.

You want life to go straight back to normal but it doesn't and things changed. Moving from being a full-time carer back to someone's partner takes a mental adjustment.

I share today as  I want her to be happy, I want this cancer journey to be as painless and filled with memorable moments as possible but sometimes my head screams at me that I am not enough. I cannot do this and she would be better off without me. These thoughts while fleeting can be absolutely paralyzing. 

Sometimes my head is so cruel to me and then I feel like such a horrible burden to my partner. She doesn't need my worries when she is dealing with so much. the thoughts feel so selfish and I hate that feeling. 

I just wondered if other people had experienced these thoughts? how did you get past them? 

On the whole, We have done so much and achieved so much, she is my inspiration and we even got engaged after the final round of chemotherapy. 

Just sometimes this journey is so cruel, isolating and you don't know what is right from wrong! you don't know what is the right level of support and the answers are so so so hard. 

thank you for reading and just writing down these thoughts has already helped me. 

Larney x

  • Hi

    Your words very much reminded me of some work I saw around stress and the covid pandemic. Very often people going through something traumatic do rise to the challenge but it can feel a bit like the emotions are being stored to be processed later. This can sometimes be considered as some kind of post traumatic stress response the answers to which you are right are very hard since we cant change the past.

    Thank you for sharing this here, you are so right that this journey can make us feel very alone but on here we just know what it is like and then I can reflect on there rather interesting lyrics from Bill Withers.

    Lean on me
    When you're not strong
    And I'll be your friend
    I'll help you carry on...
    For it won't be long
    Till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on
    <<hugs>>
    Steve

  • Thank you for your reply i really appreciate the support and the lyrics. Music is so powerful and heeling! xx

  • Trust me, your love and care will make her happy everyday and you are more than enough. As you know yourself the ‘right level of support’ changes throughout this experience, it’s so nuanced and complex. Make sure you have support too, someone you can be open and frank with without fear of judgment, use the talking support services, even calling Macmillan or getting some counselling. Importantly, treat yourself as you would a friend, we’re far less cruel to our friends than we are to ourselves xxx