Mum Diagnosed with Lymphoma

First of all please don't think of yourself as being selfish for saying 'I' and 'me'. For you it is about self preservation, what can you do to get through this so you can be there for your mum. 

My husband has been diagnosed as terminal & I have had very low angry moments but after talking to someone I realised that taking some time for myself allows me to have more strength for my husband and children. For me running is what I need to do. I only get the chance to do a couple of runs a week rather than 3/4 that I used to do however I now know it is important for me to get that time. 

Another helpful tip I was given was to try and stay in the here & now. I'm not saying it is easy but it is the 'what if's?' that cause all the anxiety & worry. I found talking to someone helped. It could just be a friend that is happy to listen, they don't need to have any amazing words of wisdom just to listen or to talk about something completely different. 

Just be there for your mum. Sit and talk to her, make her dinner, do the washing etc..... all the things she did for you when you were little.  

I worry that I won't be able to cope too but I know that I have coped for the last 10 months (since he was diagnosed with an incurable cancer) through his chemo, intestinal surgery & now with the terminal diagnosis. Don't get me wrong there have been times that I have just cried & cried or shouted at nobody. 

You have coped with the initial diagnosis, you will find a way to cope with the next step. 

Remember there are lots of charities with information and people to talk to. x

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am sorry to hear about your husband.

I am going to try and take your advice and try to stay in the 'hear and now'. 

I worry, though, how my feelings could affect my mom. I don't want to make her feel concerned about how I am handling and coping with her diagnosis. 

Avoiding the 'what ifs' is something I will work on. Thank you for your help and advice, I will take it all on board.

At the beginning I tried to hide my emotions from my husband and the kids.I thought they needed to see me staying strong and coping with the situation but then I went to see a psychologist. She said that it was ok for my husband to see I was upset as it would give him permission to also be upset. We have cried alone as well as together. Sometimes we can discuss things without getting upset other times the same conversation seems impossible without tears. I suppose it depends on where we are emotionally at the time. 

My 2 sister-in-laws say things to him like 'we don't know what we will do without you' which does annoy me. He needs to know that we will all be ok and we will be. I know I will be able to look after our children, yes it will be hard and life will be different and of course we will miss him & he will leave a massive void in our lives but we will get through it all & be stronger. 

I think talking about how you are both feeling is better than bottling it up. Your mum won't expect you to handle it all yourself. She will still want to be there for you. Is it just you & your mum? Do you have anyone else you can talk to about your feelings/worries?

Thinking of you x

It is my mum, dad and brother as the immediate family. I also have extended family; nan and grandad, 3 aunts and 1 uncle and cousins. I am aware I have a lot of family and I am very lucky, I feel bad that I cannot talk to them about my feelings. I am autistic, high functioning so it doesn't affect the majority of my daily life, and have had issues with my mental health so I am wary of my mum and family thinking I am deteriorating in that department if I talk too much about the sadness and fear.

I turned to this community because of the issues I experience with talking to my family.

I know talking to my mum and my immediate family will help and I am working on this, it's just hard. My mum can be a proud woman and I don't want to be seen as 'mollycoddling'. 

I never thought of how 'we don't know what we would do' could cause adverse reactions such as being seen as not so supportive. Thank you for opening my eyes to this, I will now make a conscious effort to avoid this phrase. 

You have been so helpful and supportive and I am so grateful to you x 

Good Luck. Sorry to hear that you have to worry about how your autism is seen by others during such a difficult time for you. Being autistic should't stop you from being able to voice your fears.

Perhaps finding someone completely neutral could help? I have been attending my local Maggie's Centre regularly since my husbands diagnosis in February. I have been speaking to the same person on each of my visits. Andy is very sympathetic but also supportive, he used to be a nurse in oncology but decided to work for the charity and now runs the centre. He reassures me that things I am doing with regards the children are the the right things. He is also someone I can speak to about my husbands family and he is objective about the situation. He gives me practical solutions on how I could handle/deal with things. Do you have a Maggies near you? Or perhaps speaking to someone at Macmillan? I like attending Maggies as I prefer to speak to someone in person rather than on the phone. 

I find it helpful talking with people on here too. Nobody judges and people have all sorts of different experiences. Everyone who replies is trying to be supportive. I have also found comfort in being able to help others going through this awful experience. x 

I hadn't thought of finding someone neutral, I will give this a go. 

Thank you for all your support

I am a mum in my 60s with cancer and to be honest, I just want my children’s company in any way. It doesn’t matter if they visit or it’s just on a WhatsApp chat, I just need to know they are there. You don’t need to talk about cancer, just have a chat 

Thank you Bluebell 

It's really helpful to hear this, I sometimes don't know what to say and this helps x

Hi Laurooon, I just came across your post so thought I would drop in past.

I am Mike Thehighlander and help out around our various Lymphoma Support Groups.

I have been on my Lymphoma journey for over 22 years now so know this rollercoaster very well. Blood Cancers like Lymphoma can be rather different journeys from many other cancers so you may want to talk with folks who are 'living' with this type of cancer.

If you need any help or want to talk do give me a shout.

These are our main Lymphoma Support groups.

Hodgkin's Lymphoma

General Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma

Follicular Lymphoma

Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma

Mantel Cell Lymphoma

T-Cell Lymphoma

((hugs))