Dad doesn't want to know his prognosis

Hello,

Just wanted to say I can understand how you're feeling. Slightly different situation in that my Mum wanted to know her prognosis and she didn't hesitate in telling me, in fact I didn't get a choice! 

The bit I really do understand is the confusion you feel about how to feel. And I think that's normal, from what I've read in various family and friends support literature. It's so much to take in and I find myself what ifing all the time - what if this works, what if this doesn't, what if more scans show X, Y or Z, what if I don't make the most of the time we have left? And on and on...

I'm sorry I can't offer more help or support and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you get some answers really soon that help. x

Hi Nikita_UK,

Thank you for your reply. Sp sorry to hear that you are having to go through your mum having cancer. I hope her prognosis was good.

The what ifing is so hard isnt it. I feel I have been torn when waiting for his previous appointments of wanting to know if it's good news, but then mainly dreading the results day in case it's bad and whatever little hope I had is taken away from me.

I really relate to what you said about 'what if you don't make the most of the time that you have left'. People keep saying to me, 'you have to make every moment count and every day the best', but I find that so much pressure and really exhausting. Do you feel the same?

My dad has bad arthritis in his knees as well so he can't walk far at all, which makes things hard as I can't really take him anywhere for nice experiences to take his mind off of it. He won't use walking sticks as he is too embarrassed as well.

Have you found any useful ways to handle the what ifing? People say to 'keep your mind off it's but it's much easier said than done. Plus I feel guilty if I do try to take my mind off of things.

I hope you and your mum are doing okay  she sounds very lucky to have you supporting her.

X

Hi Link103,

Mum's prognosis isn't great and at the moment I'm struggling to get my head around it, but I'm hanging to the fact it's an 'average' and she could well exceed that time. 

Yes, I really do feel the same, it's a huge amount of pressure. You're trying to come to terms with a diagnosis and everything that brings and then you want to be there to provide support but trying to make the most of it all, just thinking about it all is mentally exhausting. 

I find it helps to try and keep it simple. She's a few counties away from me, so we've spoken more regularly and we've spent a bit more time together just having a cuppa and a spot of lunch. I've concluded it's about quality - so just doing simple things and making sure she knows that I'm here and I care. We sat and went through some very old family albums recently, just having a sort out. It was a bit emotional, but I think it really helped us both to remember and talk about all the great places we've been to and the things we've done over the years.

I'm a huge worry wart, so what ifing is my natural state and usually I combat it by looking for the evidence to support or disprove my thoughts. But with many unknowns, it is harder to manage it. I was chatting with a counsellor friend recently and she said:

'It is not what happens - we can't control that, but what we do about it this we have full control over. This includes how we behave and process things. The initial shock will always cause us to have an emotional response. We need this and it is normal but it is important to move from this to the more practical approach.' I don't know if that helps?

It's very hard to find things to do to stop thinking about it, but it's important, I think, that as close family members we try our best to look after ourselves. I'm just making sure I'm getting enough sleep and eating properly and keeping to routines. To begin with it just felt like I was going through the motions and not really getting anywhere, but on reflection I think this is all I can do right now and some early morning commitments have at least made sure I've got out of bed and left the house.

I really hope you're both ok, keep in touch and make sure you look after yourself too. x

Hi,

I lost my mam 3 years ago, just passed, to Pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed at stage 4 and told at that point it had spread to her liver. My mam did not want to know her prognosis either. I felt confused , is it better to know and be more prepared or just take each day as it comes?.I knew the outlook for this cancer wasn't good at all but after speaking to her cancer nurse, I realised that each patient is different and you can't compare. My advice is to be positive for your dad, help and support him so that whatever time is left is the best it can be.  Don't let the cancer define who he is , he is still your dad. Be strong for him , as in my experience , it will help you cope , knowing that you are doing what you can to make things easier for him. Seeing your strength will give him strength.  One day at a time, focus on the here and now.

Good luck with everything. Be kind to yourself and accept help when you need it.

Best wishes 

Clare