I am struggling

Hi GingerBestie,

This is also my first post on here and I'm listening and feeling for you. Please also excuse me if my post is also long - we both need to talk and hopefully help each other. I think from your post that you and your Friend are quite a bit younger than my Friend and I, but that shouldn't matter because we're both obviously feeling the same way.

My Friend and I have known each other for over 52 years and have supported each other through each and every crisis that life has thrown at us. She is divorced with 2 adult children and also 3 grandchildren - I have no brothers, sisters or partner. I never married because I had an overpowering father who was also unsupportive to my mother who had some 'nerve' problems that he couldn't or wouldn't understand, so everytime she needed to go to the hospital, I had to take time off school to go with her. I grew up, had a few men in my life and met a very special man who I would have liked to marry, but he was a heavy gambler and didn't want to inflict his bad habits on me - he died of lung cancer in 2005. 

When my Friend and I met, at work, all those years ago, there was an instant connection and she became my Best Fiend, like the sister I never had. We holidayed together before she got married, and at least a couple of times a year since she got divorced in the 90's. She's invited me to her home for Christmas and New Year every year but one, since my Mum died, in the early nineties, one year she actually accepted my invitation to spend Christmas with me in London.  She lives in South Wales - I live in London. Every few months, since her divorce, she's come to London to stay with me or I've come down to Wales to stay with her. Like you, I have also never felt closer to anyone else.

In July 2020 she started to feel unwell and my gut feeling was that I had to drop everything to be with her. I run my own online business, so hastily packed my bags, picked up my laptop and came down to South Wales. There were lots of tests taking place, private and NHS, and Ovarian Cancer was suspected. She wasn't too bad over the first few months and I was able to go home for a few days every few months, when she was well enough. My last time at home was early May.this year She had chemotherapy to debulk the cancer before major surgery in January of this year which they reported had gone well - all visible signs removed and her CA125 level reduced from over 130 down to 14 - fantastic we thought. However right from the start there had been what they called 'seeding', small cancer spots on her peritoneum - inside of her abdomen. Over time and several treatments it became apparent that those little spots had grown and were resistant to chemotherapy and were causing pressure on her internal organs, in particular her bowel, where she has a part-blockage. Her CA 125 reading is now 900, she had 6 litres of ascites (fluid) drawn off a month ago when they pronounced that she was not well enough to have anymore chemo, so delayed it until this week. She is now very poorly and in a specialist cancer hospital in South Wales. All treatment has now been stopped and she is now terminal - her consultant thinks she has weeks rather than months. Her daughter who works in a care home thought she only had days. I'm unable to visit her in hospital due to Covid restrictions and can only speak to her on the phone - she sounds very weak, slurred and depressed. I have given her all her food for the last few months, managed all her appointments and her medications, taken her to all her appointments, done all the washing, shopping, picked her up off the floor when she's fallen, made her laugh and she's made me laugh too. Only last Saturday, I sat on the bed with her and we chatted for about 3 hours about nothing in particular - all the funny things we've done over the years, the places we've been, the people we've met. Then I brought her laptop up to the bedroom so that we could watch TV together - it was lovely, just like old times, but now, just a week later, it looks as though I'm going to lose her and I can't bear the thought of that, but what can I do? The only relief I seem to get from all the panicking and stomach churning is when I'm online, like now, or when I'm working on my business - which I'm forcing myself to do, so I think the answer is to try and distract your mind so that you have to think of something else. Watching telly doesn't do it for me - my mind's still going round and round in circles when I'm looking at it and nothing is going in. There's talk of her going into a hospice next week and they've moved her to a room on her own this afternoon, so it could be anytime and when that happens, I don't know how or if I'm going to cope, and with Christmas on the horizon, it makes things so much worse,

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in how you're feeling - it's a horrible feeling, a horrible cruel disease and always seems to affect the nicest and loveliest people.

Please take care of yourself and I think it's good to write down how you're feeling - others like me, do care, even if we don't know you or your friend.

Thank you and I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. 
This has certainly made me feel like I am not alone. 

She is supposed to be turning 40 in January =( 

I mean there is hope as not only has she beaten it recently but they reckon it was found earlier.
But your explanation of the seeding does make a lot of sense and explains how this could be the reason this has happened so quickly =( 

Her other half, who is being her carer atm, is difficult with communication but also very protective of her. 
I would love to send a care package but after speaking to him I feel he would not accept it on her behalf. 
But I also know how much her friends mean to her. 
It is all so overwhelming: the messages from all those who care, her current state of mind and mood, the possibility that I might lose her. I am really struggling and I feel like I am being an awful friend for her as I cannot handle this well. 

I remember meeting her for the first time, and noticing how similar we were. As time has gone on and our friendship has strengthened we are like two peas in a pod. We make each other laugh, we both have the same adventurous spirit and make and capture as many memories as we can, we have been there for each other when things have been hard or we need that listening ear. 

Distractions I am sure would be of huge help. I am finding it hard to do things I enjoy and if I just watch tv (like yourself) the thoughts will still circle my mind. I know my best friend would not me thinking and being like that. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen and offer some advice. 
I hope you will be okay too.