My Dad

My Dad has stomach cancer. He’s 86. Last year he lost a lot of weight and stopped eating as much. He refused to go to the doctor but in June my Mum spoke to the doctor about his symptoms. We later found out it was stomach cancer.

Two weeks before he was diagnosed, I moved to Finland with my Finnish husband. I was worried about him but my other siblings live in the same village so I knew he had lots of people to care and look after him.

The day after he was diagnosed I returned to England for my sister’s wedding and to spend time with Mum and Dad. He seemed ok but very weak and frail. He managed to walk my sister down the aisle which made everyone so happy. I went back to Finland a few days after the wedding. Dad seemed ok. 

I booked a flight to the UK for 6 weeks later for my friend’s 40th but to also spend time with Dad. A week before I came back, I noticed a change in him. He seemed a lot weaker and wasn’t getting out of bed every day like before. I started to really worry and see a difference in him.

when I got to the UK, I instantly saw the difference in him and felt panicked. He was hardly eating or moving and seemed to have given up. After overhearing the McMillan nurse talking to my mum about preparing for Dad’s time, I broke down in tears with mum and told her I felt so guilty for having left the UK and not being there all the time. I told her my fear of getting a phone call to say he’s gone and that it would be my last chance to see him.

mum said no matter where I was I was still a part of the family and that I shouldn’t feel guilty. Dad said the same. I spent my time doing all I could to help out and decided to stay an extra week. By the end of the second week I was emotionally overwhelmed. I sat at the airport terminal feeling guilty that I was leaving. 

The past two weeks in Finland have been hard. I feel I can’t enjoy anything and am constantly thinking about Dad and if he’s suffering. I feel like I have a dark cloud over me all the time and it’s been hard in my husband. I FaceTime Mum and Dad every day but always feel anxious after seeing dad as he’s so thin and frail. I’m also worried about my Mum and how this is effecting her.

I’m going back to the UK on Monday day for 10 days and I feel mixed emotions. I’ll be happy to see my family but I know it will be hard. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time as the future scares me so much at the moment.