I don’t know how to do this

My (26f) mum (57) has been diagnosed with a bowel tumour and metastatic lesions on the liver. The bowel isn’t the problem right now. It’s the liver. Prognosis is bad. They can’t drain so it’s going to start failing. Can’t improve the liver can’t start chemo for surgery. Can’t go into remission. She’s jaundiced and starting to feel discomfort. Jaundice only noticeable Sunday 17. Diagnosis Monday 18. Told last night Friday 22 there’s nothing that could be done.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear the idea that soon she won’t be here. We don’t know if it’s weeks or months. We’re not sure if we want to know if it will make it better or worse. Everything was fine last week. She had no symptoms so we have no clue how long this has been going on for. Something could have been done sooner if only there was symptoms. 

I live with my mum. I’ve had horrific anxiety, depression and clinically diagnosed ocd since I was about 12 and been on medication since that fluctuates whether it works or not so I’ve always found things difficult. Just life basically. Honestly she’s taken better care of me than she should’ve. 75% of the meals she makes. She handles all the bills, I just give her my share as we split them all pretty much 50:50 but she does all the technicals. She does all the washing, I put it away. She loads the dishwasher, I empty it. I can’t use either device and I’m constantly messing up with darks and whites.  I’m trying to get my drivers license  but covid and my anxiety makes it hard to pass cos of my confidence. I work nearly 50hours a week at two jobs and she drives me, I drive my car when I can.

when my mum goes, I will lose our house. I Can’t afford to live there by myself and as it’s a council house, with my wages id never be able to get my own place. We can only just afford it the two of us together.  I have my brother (30) up in London with a spare room  maybe I’d live with him  but I’d leave my jobs and my sister and niblings as well as my grandparents  I could live with my grandparents who are just up the road but they’re both in their 80s and the idea I could lose them soon too is heartbreaking. I feel like I’m not prepared to be an adult even though I should be well on my way to being independent. I never went to university so I’ve never lived away from home. The past few nights staying at the house by myself with just the cat has been excruciating.

i feel like such a bad person for thinking about things like this. About what’s going to happen to me when she’s gone. By this age my sister already had her own place and two kids with quite severe health problems in infancy. I don’t know how she copes. I don’t know how she can just live life so much easier when I question and fret about every thought and feeling. I feel selfish. My sisters trying to take care of me, my grandparents are when they’re both in bits cos they’re not supposed to lose their daughter. I can barely take care of myself and the cat. And I feel so guilty when I can’t reciprocate. 

I know I can prepare myself to learn the things I need to. My dad is distant but he’s here. My sisters here. My brother. My grandparents are old but they’re here. But I’ll never be ready to lose my mum. When I get married and as I get older, her not being there makes me feel sick. I can’t eat. We had so many plans. We’re going to on holidays more, get a dog. These past two years barely felt like they’ve happened with covid and everything. I’m not ready to lose my mum decades before I was supposed to. I’m not ready. For life without her and a me without her