Needing help of some kind please.

Hi

Sorry to hear about what you are going through, many on here will relate to the anticipatory grief message, I can certainly relate in terms of my father who had a series of seizures rather than cancer but it took us from him bit by bit over many months.

Unfortunately we also know mental health services are also incredibly stretched and even more so since coronavirus decided to join in a bring much of the world to a crawl.

If might help to look through our pages on If the person you care for is dying because while it is incredibly hard it can also be a wonderful memory of how we helped them make the best of the worst situation we could imagine.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hello  I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Even though I’m on here in relation to my partners diagnosis, my Dad passed away 5 years ago and I had to deal with the loss on the other side of the world (I’m originally from New Zealand) I’m not sure if you have this open to you but I went to my HR department at work and as employees we had access to support and counselling for free (a certain number of sessions), this might not be possible but just wanted to flag it in case it wasn’t something you might have thought about. There is also a lot of useful resources online and one that helped me understand and cope with how I was feeling is: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Grief-Grieving-Finding-Meaning-Through/dp/0743263448 hopefully you also find support in this forum, I’ve only joined but I feel better already knowing that others understand what I'm going through. Im wishing you and your family all the best and hope you find the support you need sooner rather than later. Here any time to listen as well ️x

Hi Penelope,

I wish I could reach out and give you the biggest hug x

My sister died of cancer just over a year ago, I was with her constantly throughout the cancer journey and was with her when she passed away.

I can absolutely feel and understand your turmoil the way so many of us here can.

I can only speak from my experience but I found it hard to actually fully accept that my sister was going to die.  I knew she was, I knew her cancer was terminal and that she’d been given ‘short months’, I spoke to her palliative care nurses daily but actually accepting the finality it is a different matter.

I focused on her, I did everything in my power to make her physically and mentally comfortable.  

We spoke a lot about her fears, things that were troubling her such as how her adult son would cope. I tried as best as I could to put her mind at rest.

We also tried to be as ‘normal’ as possible, so that not everything focussed on the cancer. (not easy with tubes & syringe drivers in place) but we watched films, and despite covid, we had visitors and laughed..

My sisters son was in this state of disbelief / anger/ fear and pain until the very end. I think we all were, and from speaking to a lot of bereaved people since, I think that’s pretty normal.

I wish with all my heart that there was a foolproof strategy to process grief.  There are no textbook steps, but you will cope, now and in the future, just take one day at a time..

All I can suggest for you right now is to talk to your mum, make the most of every day with her, and talk to your friends and family. 

I know getting bereavement counselling isn’t easy, my sisters son had huge problems and was passed from pillar to post. (He's  now paying privately but it costs).

My heart and thoughts are with you Penelope, you’re stronger than you think..

Sending you loads of love xxxx

Hi Penelope 

im air sorry for what you’re going through on your own.  Please take a look.at. Cruse bereavement charity, who might offer counselling too.There’s definitely a helpline and online chat service as well as one to one support.  
Take care of yourself too. 

Hi Penelope, I have been going through anticipatory grief since last November, when mum was blue-lighted to hospital with septic arthritis - we thought we'd lost her several times with that.  She caught covid in hospital and then we thought we'd lost her a couple of times (they wouldn't put her on a machine as she was too frail, so she had to pull through on oxygen and steroids, which she did to everyone's amazement).  When she was sent home from hospital in May she was still delirious - all professionals were thinking dementia - and mum exhibited most of the signs of dying at that time.  

It was utterly unbearable, but as I've said before, we bear it because we love them.  Amazingly, mum gradually got her memories back as the delirium subsided, so things are much easier for me now.  Before the end of June mum didn't remember living in her own house and was absolutely distraught.  

Now another blow has landed, mum's triple negative breast cancer has returned, with mediastinal/precarinal lymphadenopathy as well as supraclavicular lymph cancer.  It seems as though poor mum can't win.  I don't know how long she has, she didn't ask the consultant and I didn't want to ask in front of her but I know at the age of 88 even the radiotherapy she's had isn't likely to extend her life much.  

So I know from when mum first came out of hospital how bad it can get, and in a way that helps because I feel as though I'm a little bit better prepared now.  I gave up work to care for her in her own home, and that's been so hard as I prefer to live alone, but I'm more adapted to it now.  

You're so young (and so is your mum) to be going through all that this terrible disease is bringing you.  I know it's not everyone's choice, but I have spent a lot of time reading others' experiences of losing their loved one to cancer, and that has helped a lot as I don't feel so alone.  

Others have signposted lots of really useful things, and I can't really add to it but will share the things I do to manage the worst moments with grief. 

Do you have a favourite place, like a beach or a hill, that you like to walk in?  If you can't get there (I can't as I can't leave mum that long) you can do some mindfulness and imagine being there experiencing the sights and sounds and smells and maybe do a breathing exercise. 

If that's not appealing, think about whatever you do to soothe yourself when you feel threatened or need comfort.  Is it cuddling a hot water bottle while watching a favourite film?  Surfing you tube for silly cat videos (actually, look up the baby stoat one, no one can fail to feel great watching that!) or getting your hair/nails/makeup done?  Whatever it is grab hold of it and do it purposefully to comfort yourself.  I can't believe I'm admitting this but I sometimes even just watch Peppa Pig!  

Give yourself permission to soothe yourself, and do it as much as you can.

Hello

I have recently joined this community as my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer, and I want to offer my support.

I am 24, and an only child like yourself. I can empathise with the isolation, anticipatory grief, and feelings of misunderstanding from my mum's past health challenges, such as a benign brain tumour and a series of mini strokes. Trying to seek support as a carer is a battle in itself, on top of the obvious challenges faced by the parent you are caring for.

Both my mum and dad are in their late / mid sixties and I have always felt this strong vigilance, wondering when the next health challenge is around the corner, and feeling like I need to be ready to take it on. It can be hard to find those who understand. But you've done the right thing joining this community. You're not alone - as stereotypical as this phrase is, it is true nonetheless.  

Sending you lots of love right now. I am a message away if you would like to chat. X

Hello Penelope,

I am so sorry to hear the hard time you are going through. I know only too well the anticipatory grief. I was my dads only child and cared for him during his end of life. I contacted Cruse for counselling/support during his illness as I was not coping emotionally but they said I was not yet grieving and almost minimised my experience.

here are the sources of support I used and found helpful to get me through:

Hospice family worker - I would speak to her weekly of every 2 weeks depending on how much support I needed. It was like counselling and she was a great support. I could access this service as my dad was under the palliative care team.

Maggies centres - specialist cancer centres with very supportive staff and psychologists etc. You can Bob in anytime you need it for a coffee and chat or make an appointment too. I also attended a family/friends group on one occasion at Maggies centre.

mcmillan chat function on this website

Employee Assistance Programme counselling - I accessed six sessions of counselling through my workplace wellbeing referral programme.

I hope these are helpful. What you are experiencing is most certainly a grief and is as difficult as the actual loss following a bereavement

Hi Penelope

I'm so sorry to read this. I just wanted to reach out as I am the same age as you, and my mum is the same age as yours. I, too, am an only child. My mum has stage 3 adenocarcinoma of the lung. I am working full time but ready to give it up to care for her when the time comes. 

I just wanted to send you all of my love, and offer another pair of ears should you ever need them. Always happy to chat if I can help in any way - big or small.

Sending love and strength

Becky xx