Mum at the end with pancreatic cancer

Dear LadyKay

I am so very sorry to read that your dear Mum is approaching the end of her time here with you, and from reading your post I can begin to understand how absolutely helpless you are feeling in watching her slip away. 

I tend to be quite direct in my responses, because I believe in openness, and you have been extremely open here in your posts, so I hope you are ok with me responding to you.

You mention that Mum has a strong faith, and I believe in that she will find comfort, it may not be something that you or others may ever understand but a strong faith is a great bond into the next life. This is something your Mum knows is coming, and as much as she has this faith, she has you, and your Dad, and she may be finding it hard to let go just yet, she may not be quite ready? 

Had your Mum been full of life and simply passed away, you would have so many other "Why" questions, and as heart-breaking as it is for you to see and watch your Mum going through this now, you are in your own mind aware that for her to slip away now, would be better for her. As devastated as you will be, you have been given the time to say anything and everything that you ever wanted to say to your Mum, she may not reply, but she will hear you, and she will know, and when she passes into the light, know that she will forever walk with you.

I lost my Dad back in April to Stomach Cancer and C.O.P.D, he had always been a tall, strapping man, until the disease took over and ate away at him.... I was not able to be at his side when he passed, I did not get to tell him many things, Covid lockdown in the hospitals prevented visitors... Yet, although my mind wanders towards him often and my eyes become damp for everything that could have been, I know that he stays with me.

I always believed that I would crumble when I lost Dad, and although I will never be the same, I am stronger than I thought I would be and I hope that you will find that you too are stronger than your thoughts imagine when the time comes.

I will be around the forums, should you need to scream, cry or just chat with a stranger

I wish your Mum safe passage, and Your Dad strength... For you I wish courage and strength, things will be difficult, she is your Mum and no matter how it was in the end, the loss of her will stay with you always, but that is as it should be. She is special, and will be carried in your heart forever. 

Lowe'

Thank you for your reply, Lowe. Mum passed this morning at 5am. Me and my dad were with her and it was very peaceful. It’s a strange thing but a little later, when we were choosing clothes for the under taker I could feel her presence in the room with us, as though she were sitting on the bed watching us. And now begins the preparations for what comes next.

I’m so sorry about what happened with your father, especially that you couldn’t see him before he went. It’s the hardest thing in the world. I felt prepared yet completely unprepared, accepting yet completely in shock. It’s a very weird (an understatement!) feeling. But I’m letting the feelings come as they will.

Again, thank you for your reply. I’m crying as I read it but tears are a good thing right now

Oh LadyKay,

As much as I could read in you initial message that you knew that it would be soon, I am so sorry for your loss, I don't believe we are ever truly prepared, but I hope you are comforted by the feeling of Mum's presence. 

Tears are a good thing, release, and memories help us make it through the coming hours.

Thinking of you and your Dad at this time and Sending (((Hugs)))

Lowe' 

Thank you so much. I’ve been reading your story. What you’ve all been through. My best wishes and crossed fingers for the 16th x

Hello, just read your story and was crying through it. It rings true with how I’m feeling about my dear mum. Mum has lung cancer diagnosed in April and despite radiotherapy, it progressed to spinal cord compression end of July .she is now paralysed frim chest down. She is beginning to get sleepy now and coughing a lot. I can’t bear to leave her in the hospital at night . I’m absolutely heartbroken. She is my best friend snd I can’t bear the thought of life without her I only think she has a few weeks left snd her quality of life is so poor now . It’s such a cruel disease. It’s like torture. I don’t want her to suffer but I can’t bear for her to go …. I hope you are managing to have a little hope . Sending lots of love to you , Fiona x

Hi Fiona

I’m so very sorry to read about what’s happening with your mum, I really am. One of the worst things is the absolute helplessness you feel when seeing your mum this way. 

It’s nearly a week now since we lost her; the funeral is this Friday. The end was quick, peaceful and we think, painless. There’s such an absence in the house now and the loss is so huge it seems too much to bear. But bear it, we must. I’d promised mum I’d live a good and happy life after she’d gone and that’s what I intend to do.

I wish you and your mum so well, I really do and want you to know I know just how you’re feeling and that you’re not alone. It is completely heart breaking, as you say.

I’ll keep you and your mum in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you and your dear Mum

kerry x

Thank you Kerry, it does help to know that we are not alone . I think if you have never lost a parent  you never truely know how horrific it is. ( my dad died nearly 5 years ago with cancer too )I’m hoping Friday will go as well as it can do for you . . For me it all about trying to find the best mindset to try snd cope with things . I am feeling really guilty at the moment but I’m not sure what about … maybe not spending as much time with mum as I could have done when I was younger , guilt about going home to my own bed at night . Guilt that maybe if I had seen her more through lockdown we might have picked this up sooner …… it’s just all natural feeling like this I guess…. 
sending love and I will be thinking of you on Friday . Xx

Thank you Fiona x

I completely know what you mean about the guilt-esp during 2020 with covid. I wonder if mum’s cancer would’ve been picked up sooner, if I’d have seen her, would it have made a difference? I also feel guilty for not having spent enough time with her, esp the last few years. My parents live quite far from me so it’s impossible to stay for a night. I’ve been very fortunate in being able to be off work to help care for her. But, I had to go back in august as I’m a teacher and my grace period was running out. It was such a hard call to make and I beat myself up about that as well!

The only thing I can say to you, which is what my friends have been telling me, is to try and let go of that guilt. I can hear and see in your message just how much you love and care for your mum and I think the kind of guilt you’re feeling comes from conscientious people who care very much, rather than not at all. You wouldn’t be in this forum if you weren’t feeling this very deeply. There are probably a lot of people who, for whatever reason, don’t even go and see their parent despite them being very ill. I think though that after losing your dear dad to horrible cancer, your mum’s illness must be even more difficult to bear. I’m so very sorry, I really am. I hope you have people to talk to in your everyday life who can support you and there are certainly many places or support online and on the telephone. 
You sound like a very caring person and loving daughter to your mum. I wish you both the very best xxx

Thank you very much . What a lovely reply. Your words really helped me in the middle of the night . Mum is really poorly snd confused . Dread going to see her at times. I wish you all the best too. You are a special lady x