Emotions

My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer in July. The doctors were positive they could cure it with aggressive treatment. In October he started a round of 35 radiotherapy sessions and 7 chemotherapy. They wanted to put in a PEG before starting but he was adamant that he didn't want one. About the 24 radiotherapy pont and the 5 chemotherapy he was struggling to swallow. They tried a nasal tube but it kept coming out. Took him to emergency department one evening, they kept him in overnight. Next day I was told he was getting an endoscope. I thought great they are putting in a PEG......no. when he was in over night they discovered he was bleeding from the rear end. They found he had a bleeding ulcer. He was to be kept in for 7 days to get it controlled. After 5 days he took a haemorrhage and rushed to theatre. They operated on him but was told because he needed intravenous fluids he needed to remain in hospital for 2 weeks before they would put in the PEG. This was done and he got home.

In January we had a meeting with radiotherapy doctor. She explained that because he had no radiotherapy for 3 weeks they couldn't restart the treatment and you can never get anymore radiotherapy in that area. They also stopped the chemotherapy. Then a week or so after he was rushed to hospital, he got out the next day but we were told he had Pericarditis.

At the end of January, we met with our Oncologist he said he would be happy to try immunotherapy. He also confirmed that a small tumour was in his lung so it was classed as stage 4. He had 2 sessions, 1 X 2 hour session every 2 weeks. They day of the third session we met with oncologist. My husband was having bad headaches so he said pallative care would help but his anemia levels were bad so no Immunotherapy that day but he needed blood transfusion. He got home next day. (Friday)

In Sunday he started bleeding from the mouth. Eventually we got him to hospital. They were able to stop the bleeding but he was kept in. The next day he got discharged but we were told that if he started bleeding again we needed to call an ambulance immediately. They also advised that the tumour in his throat had attached to a blood vessel and if the scar came off it would haemmorage.

In January the doctor said without treatment he would have approx 6 months. After the bleed from the mouth  in March U asked the doctor how long. He said with no bleeds a couple months.

My husband is it in any treatment he told oncologist no more. He doesn't know approx time span.

I am struggling with emotions. Anger that if we understood more about radiotherapy we may have had the peg in. Anger about not knowing that chemotherapy could have caused stomach problem. Hurt that I see him wasting away though luckily at the moment no pain.

My husband is a man of few words so he doesn't discuss things with me or anyone else and because I am emotional I don't want to bring it up.

I just need to control all these feelings.

Thanks to anyone who is reading this. Just getting it off my chest.