Mum's Incurable Cancer

Hi daughternumber2 and a very warm welcome to the club we hope nobody ever needed to join.

You have done fantastically well up to now - but well done for coming here, as you say you can be less alone. It is amazing how meeting strangers even virtually can be such a big help.

My main experience of cancer is with my wife and her cancer is a bit different - Leiomyosarcoma - it was incurable from diagnosis and the first line chemotherapy was effective but the side effects created more problems - fixed those and tried another chemo and that has rendered her cancer stable - not a cure but not getting worse and we have been there for 6 years now.

I did a living with less stress course because I was suffering. The mindfulness techniques help me concentrate on the here and now and appreciate what we have - I was trying to work out how I would cope without her before she was gone and that was totally unhelpful with my imagination working overtime. The breathing exercises were great for dealing with the unexpected but also really good at helping me to relax - transcendental meditation though was not my thing.

If might help you to look at Looking after someone with cancer where we can see your reactions are very common. The one time I will leave the room is if someone says to my wife "you are very brave" - that is great for getting a strong response the polite form of which is "when was I given a choice".

Keep posting whenever, because we all know how hard this can be.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi. I’m sorry to read your story. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer about 4 weeks ago. It’s incurable and treatment will start in the next two weeks to try and maintain it. I came here for the exact same reason as you. I’m new to all this. I literally joined this website this evening. I too feel guilty for feeling sad, upset, down about it when it’s not me going through it. My dad is the one trying to keep me positive! I’m hating the uncertainty. The unanswered questions that no one can possibly answer. The unknown. I have days where I constantly cry. And I have days where I think I’m lucky he’s still here. Just as you described it, is exactly how I feel too. Message me anytime if you want to chat. I feel better talking to someone who can relate, my friends do their best but they don’t really know what to say because they don’t know how it feels. It’s difficult. 

Hi Steve, thank you for taking the time to reply, and sharing your experience.

I will definitely have a look at that, it is reassuring to know there are similar reactions.

Hello, thank you for replying, I too am sorry to read about your Dad. The uncertainty is so difficult to navigate.

Thank you, same to you, if you feel you want to message anytime, thinking of you.

Hi, I am relatively new to this too. My husband was diagnosed with Secondary Cancer of Unknown Primary in his peritoneal on the 10th February. It is incurable but they are trying to treat it even though they aren't exactly sure what they are treating. All his scans & blood tests come back normal so it is difficult for them to track his tumors. They only discovered the tumors during exploitative surgery for a blockage in his bowel after he had 8/9 months of problems.

He started Chemo on 2nd March where he has infusion then 14 days with tablets before 7 days off then it starts again!

For the first few days after diagnosis I felt sick with worry & felt like I'd never be happy again. After we had told all our family it seemed to be a bit easier. I found myself worrying about the future & money then I felt like a horrible person because it made me seem like I only needed him for his money. It is a whirlwind of emotions. We have talked openly about the future & we are putting things in place for me & our 2 young kids. 

Unlike you my family does have experience of cancer in various forms but also incurable cancer. My aunt had breast cancer then eventually had cancer in her bones which was diagnosed a incurable. She lived for 9yrs after her diagnosis so I try to keep this positive in my head. 

I have previously worked with a sports psychologist and have found things I learnt have been useful in my current situation. I am prone to worry about 'what if' and the psychologist taught me to stay in the now. Live each day as it comes, enjoy time with your mum & don't think about things you can't control. When I find myself drifting off I say 'STOP' then I focus on something happy & something that I can control. 

It's normal to have worries & for you to struggle. I had a bad few days this week because my husnand was also struggling but I was able to talk to my family. You need to look after yourself as well as your mum. My work have been great & I am taking every chemo infusion day off work so I can have a bit of respite for myself & be ready for the difficult days ahead. 

I hope this makes sense. I feel like I have been rambling!! 

x

Hi, sorry to hear about your husband.

Thank you for sharing your Aunts experience. 

Like you, I certainly find it harder when my Mum is struggling as I think that is when it feels most out of control. Thank you for your advice, so important to remember what can be controlled.

X