I just need to vent because I'm struggling to find people who are voicing experiences similar to mine. My dad was diagnosed with a GBM in 2019 and has been in and out of chemo/radiotherapy since then. Things are constantly changing for the better, then for the worse. I don't live anywhere nearby and I'm really not very close with my parents so I feel like I'm getting constant whiplash from the changing news (usually delivered quite abruptly over the phone when I'm not prepared for it). Treatment has now been stopped because with side effects it's doing more harm than good. This is maybe the 4th time that's happened and I wish I knew the trajectory for sure because the back and forth feels like a cruel cosmic joke when everyone knows what a horrible prognosis GBM has. I just feel like I'm waiting for him to die and have a sense of resentment that the pain for everyone is going on so long. I'm not up for taking on any caring responsibilities because of my own mental health and relationship with my parents, nor do I have any desire to be there when he dies. It's just too much. I have such a difficult relationship with my family in general because they caused me some trauma when I was younger so being around them for long periods triggers the hell out of me and genuinely causes my mental health to deteriorate. I'm not being flippant about mental health to try and get out of it- I genuinely have some serious mental illnesses that I have to monitor very carefully and avoid things that I know will make them worse. I just want to opt out of the whole horrible thing because I don't feel equipped to cope with it and me being too involved seems like it would just hurt everyone. I feel so completely isolated. NOBODY talks about what it's like when you're distant from an ill parent and not able/willing to just drop everything and become a carer. Sometimes it seems like nobody else has gone through it and I'm just uniquely selfish. I don't want to be told "you'll regret not being there" because I honestly don't think I will and I don't need more guilt, I just want to feel like I'm not alone and not a bad person.
Hello DumboRat16
Welcome to our little corner of comfort, where, you can speak your mind and not be judged... everyone is unique, all of our circumstances are different, and not all of us come from loving or nurturing families.
I am sorry to read that your Dad's diagnosis and treatment has been somewhat of a rollercoaster, both good and bad information passed to you in, as you say a quite abrupt manner, which I imagine makes it even more difficult for you.
You have been quite open in your communication and I hope you will not take offence if I do the same... firstly, I think that you are right, it is possible that you will not regret not being there in the future, and certainly not everyone is cut out to be a carer, no matter who the person that needs care may be. But as much as I have tried not to read between the lines, I feel that you are lonely, that you are saddened that your parents for some reason do not seem to understand how difficult this is for you, and your self-confidence, when being near or around your parents is so low that it makes you feel as if others would be better off without you there, and for that, I am truly saddened
I had a grandparent who was a particular negative effect in my life and they were also a full time care giver of me when I was younger, so I have some experience of what you write above, all I can say is, please, do not do what others expect of you, do not do what you are trying to convince yourself is the right thing to do. We can all talk ourselves in or out of anything, if you really want to, you will, if you really don't want to you won't, but if you could, yet decide not to because of others, then that is not doing what your heart asks you to do...
You have every right to do what is best for you...
Lowe'
