Hello, In June my mum got diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer that has spread to her hip and liver. 2 years with treatment if we are lucky.
she lives with my brother and my dad but she relies on me to take her to her appointments and make any phone calls necessary. Since getting diagnosed my brother and dad just seem to carry on like everything’s normal and don’t acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
my dad has even began to resent my mum and blames her for getting ill and bringing this “burden” to his life. I’ve never seen this side to him before and it absolutely breaks my heart that he could be so selfish and unkind.
i feel absolutely exhausted by it all, constantly stressed and upset while the rest of my family carry on with their daily routine. i have an important job with unsocialble hours and I worry about the future when she will need more care and it will fall to me to do even more .
you think if you have to face the news of a family member getting cancer, that everyone would pull together and be supportive . it just doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Just wondering if anyone has ever experienced anything similar ?
thankyou
Hello Coffee queen,
I am sorry to read that your Mum has been given this diagnosis and that you feel that everything has been left down to you, it is my experience that we all react differently to illness of our loved ones. Some of us just don't know how to accept the news, feeling better to not believe or accept it in the hope that it will go away. Some over think it, believing that today is the last day or what if "tomorrow", others, come together, working between each other to ensure the support is there. Most importantly, everyone deals with it in the best way that they know how to. The way they react may be unacceptable to others, it may seem selfish or cruel, but it is their way, and we can only be responsible for our way.
My husband has a prognosis which gives us approximately 4 months left.. this is based on his original diagnosis,, which advised, with treatment approximately 12 months. We carry on as normal, my girls, all grown women with families of their own continue their work or their studies, I continue to work two jobs, and as a family we carry on planning. We look past the best before date and as scary as it is, as that time moves forever towards us, we try, to prove that the prognosis is wrong, only time will tell, but we choose to not be tortured (mostly) and live in the now.
This isn't possible for everyone, we are all different, some people think "you should just snap out of it" other hope "it will go away" some people are scared but sometimes unable to show this to others.
There is no doubting that knowing a loved one has an incurable diagnosis, and a life-limiting condition, is petrifying, it is also more difficult when you are the person being relied upon to complete the phone calls and appointments, but maybe in your case, Mum feels at her most comfortable with you? I am unable to go to appointments with my husband, he is alone for all his treatments, I have no knowledge of anything that goes on other than what he shares with me. I personally find it difficult not being there for him.
We can only be responsible for how we behave, what we do, and acknowledge that we are all different. It may seem selfish if others don't comply to our way, but in reality, others are usually just trying to deal with the information that they have been given in the only way they know they can.
I hope your Brother and Your Dad come together and share the support that your Mum may need in the future, for now, as best as you can, enjoy the time you have together.
Sending strength to you all
Lowe'
