Will I ever be happy again?

Hello Jools31112, thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts down here.

I have only recently joined this group so I had not previously seen your post, it does sound somewhat similar to my own emotions in regards to preparing myself for being on my own.  The guilt and selfish feelings you mention, I believe are a normal response to what is happening in your world. 

I am heartened to read that your husband is doing quite well on the whole, all-be-it the side effects taking there toll, my husband is receiving palliative care for oesophageal cancer, diagnosed in May this year, his prognosis so far is that if he had chosen not to have treatment it's unlikely he would be here now, so we know time is short, even with treatment, though in reality we don't know how long any of us have on this earth, and as frightening as it is to be without my man, just having him, has made me a better person, so.. for me at least, having the wake-up call that I could lose him sooner than I ever dreamed, has made me more determined to Live, Love and Laugh with him for all the time that either one of us may have left.

I too am a bit of a control freak, I have sleepless nights thinking what my days will be like without him, but my days are about doing things with him when we can, talking, making plans, (regardless of whether they come to fruition or not), because none of us are promised tomorrow.  

We never knew how long we had when we married our loves, but we have been blessed to be warned that maybe (just maybe) it may not be as long as we imagined.. my only piece of advice is, live everyday together....  make the most of everything you have.

I do hope that in some way my words help, as I feel I may have rambled on a bit (Sorry!)

Take Care

Lowe'

Hi Lowe’. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your thoughts really did help. They reminded me of the resolve I had a couple of months ago to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have now rather than project into the future. 
To be honest, I think the time of year has made things a bit harder for me to think like this though. My husband was diagnosed a year ago and I think Christmas is bringing back some of the trauma from that time. 
I guess we’re bound to have low moments from time to time! I hope you can continue to Live, Love and Laugh with your husband for a long time to come! 
best wishes,

Jools3112

Hi Jools,

I can  understand how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with incurable brain tumour 16 months ago. He's had lots of treatment over the last year and a half including brain surgery  6 weeks chemoradiation and then monthly chemo ever since, all palliative. He is now utterly exhausted and is able to do less and less as the months go on.  We are incredibly grateful to the NHS and staff that he has been able to have all this treatment to prolong our time together. However, it is so heartbreaking to see him struggle and find everything such hard work when he was a fit, hard working 49 year old last year. 

I like Yourself and Lowedal have tried hard to take a day at a time and try to make the most of every day. He has been my world since we were 16 and I've tried not to think too far ahead as its unbearable. However, this is all getting harder as time goes on and whilst I appreciate that we all think differently I can't think that we are 'blessed' that we get to know that our time is limited. Maybe like you said it is just a low point and things might get a bit better after Christmas. 

Sending you both love and best wishes xx

Hi LC50,

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It has helped me to be reminded that other people are going through similar things and that it is scary for us all. Isn’t it hard to see the men we married and who seemed so robust to us before diagnosis, suffering and gradually being diminished by this horrible disease?

I try to be strong but some days just cry a lot! Who knows what the future holds? I guess we just have to keep on keeping on. 
Best wishes,

Jools