Living nightmare

I know exactly how you feel I am alone at home with just the dog since my husband was admitted four weeks ago with stage 4lung cancer, he has had a drain in for the whole time which is very uncomfortable and painful like you I wait ever night for 8 o’clock when he phones me, tonight was the worst call he was in so much pain today they had to give him oral morphine I was frantic crying bouncing of the walls with frustration, I eventually got through to the ward and was told to phone at 8 am the next morning to speak to the sister to see if they will let me into see him. I feel like I am going insane I am sorry that you feel as bad as me it is a living nightmare I could cope better if they would let me spend time with him.  Hope you get better news soon. 

Hi it’s maismum again I haven’t seen another post from you just wondering how you are coping,   Like me you must be thinking this is the worst journey we will ever go on I have been able to go in to see my husband and the first visit was like going on a first date it was amazing to have that first cuddle and even though he looks like someone from a concentration camp it was wonderful t see him.  Went again today and came down with a thud, he seems to have a uti infection and is seeing and hearing things, I just wish I could speak to someone face t face who knows how I feel.  Just buying an Xmas card for my husband knowing it might be the last one was really hard, can someone help me get through this just one reply would help so much.

Hello , I saw your post a few days ago in response to Sarah 21, 

I didn't respond to either of you then as I had not joined this part of the website and it seemed that you have similarities in your stories, but I wanted to respond to you now, I hope that is ok.

I am so sorry to read that both of your husbands are in hospital and struggling with this damn disease.. it is a difficult enough time already without the tight restrictions many are experiencing in visiting their loved ones. Although I see that you have been able to visit it must be absolutely devastating to have experienced such a dramatic change, the hallucinations must be quite disconcerting for both of you (Hugs)))

My Husband has stage 4 oesophageal cancer and although he is on palliative care, he is coping well with this , but his prognosis is not great, and that is where I can truly relate to the different emotions that come with the attempt to buy a Xmas card, or even a gift. I sometimes work nights, so it is often that I come home and he is sleeping, I have to listen for his breathing, I am constantly frightened of what we have been informed the future holds.

I no longer have a dog for company but remember only too well how much of a support my dogs have been in the past, I hope for you and My dog is my Sanity that your four legged best friends can give you some comfort and please know, that there is always support here... 

Sending Strength

Lowe

Hi Miasmum, so sorry that I havent posted again...it's been an awful week.

I think that all that is going on forpeople like you and myself is terrible at any time of year but I am finding it unbearable because of Christmas.  My daughter said she hopes her stepdad will be home for Christmas...I just pray he will be alive then.  I really feel for you.

As I said in my earlier post I was waiting for the CT results for his lungs...they are clear which is wonderful news.

My husband was allowed home the next day as his infection marker had dropped significantly and he was eating and drinking again, which we were overjoyed about. 

When we got home he just started to go down hill...he couldn't eat, he wanted me to look at funerals and his works pension if he should die. He was too weak to walk upstairs and just sat on the sofa all day. His stomach is also now really swollen from fluid retention, which I read is a bad sign for cancer sufferers.  I had a really bad day and was so down. At night in bed he seemed to take a further downturn, he also looked like he was from a concentration camp and once again couldnt breathe and was in great discomfort with his swollen stomach. I really thought I was going to lose him so once again I rang for an ambulance.  He has another infection, but the hospital dont know where.

The positive news is that they gave him oral morphine for his pain and hopefully will drain his stomach tomorrow.  We still have no news from the MDT meeting and I am living in dread of that will bring, as I know the prognosis is not good.

I am trying to focus on the positive things but like you I have felt I am going insane. I have spoken to my GP who has prescribed beta blockers to reduce my physical anxiety symptoms and I must say these are helping me cope much better.

I am not allowed to visit him in hospital at all due to Covid restrictions, there is no mobile signal so we can only communicate by text.  We have agreed not to think about Christmas until much nearer the time as we don't know what will happen before then, so I avoid shops and anywhere with Christmas music.

My dog really is my sanity and sleeps on my husbands pillow next to me. Taking him for long walks is the only way I feel better.

I love this forum as there are so many people I can relate to and it helps me accept that I'm not the only one going through this awful ordeal.Please feel free to message me if you would like to as I find it easier to cope if I can talk.

Please take care of yourself xx