Hi Everyone. I hope I am in the right place. Apologies if I aren't.
I am here because I have gotten to a point where I don't know where else to turn. I am not a person who speaks to anyone about my feelings, always a stiff upper lip and looking on the bright side of life. I wake up every day and try to be grateful for everything I have rather than the negative things but deep, deep down I am so terrified and lonely.
My Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Bowel Cancer almost 4 years ago. At just 42 and with no real symptoms the diagnosis hit us like nothing else.
We were told that the cancer was in-operable due to the area it was located and so he was placed straight on to palliative chemo including cetuximab and that we would be looking at around 3 years. We decided that rather than let the cancer take over we would try and get on with things as best we can, after all, in your final days do you want to feel like you have wasted and been miserable for the last years of your life?!
Please don't take that last comment the wrong way, we don't deny the cancer is there or hide it away but we only let it share our lives when it needs to.
After 3 years of 1st line treatment and scans and being told that the disease was 'immeasurable' we got the news in February of this year that there had been some progress and a small spread to the lung and so, second line treatment began. At this time my feelings on this cruel and useless disease started to change and I found myself angry and feeling absolutely useless all the time.
Thankfully, things have been going to plan until on the last scan we were told that there was some acscietes. There was no obvious reason for this and the scan seemed stable. The ascietes was drained recently but in the last few months the Hubby's weight has dropped quite a lot.
Lee goes for treatment every 3rd Monday and his bloods are always fairly good but this morning his CEA has risen. It isn't extreme 8.2 but it has gone up, again in the last few months from 5.2 to 8.2. His weight has dropped and the ascietes which hasn't been a feature since he was first diagnosed has come back.
I am absolutely terrified that we are starting to lose this fight and I just have to stand back and let this horrible, nasty disease take my everything away.
I know I aren't the one with the cancer and I am not sure that any of this should be about me and that I have any right falling to pieces, particularly when Lee is so strong and he has had 4 years and really is still doing so well but I really do feel like my whole world is falling apart. I feel I have no control, I cannot help him, that I am on a countdown and that I will have to live a life without him in the not so distant future.
He is all I have ever known, my whole life has been about him for 20 years. For the first time I am starting to think about what things will be like when the cancer starts to take hold, how will he feel? How will I make him happy and comfortable? Funeral plans. What will I do without him by my side every day/laying next me evrery night. How do I live the rest of my life without my best friend and the love of my life?
Again, I truly do realise how lucky we have been already to have this last 4 years and to only be on the 2nd line of treatment, and I realise and hope that there may be a good few years ahead of us still but I have this weight and this feeling of fear that I just can't shake, I guess it's always there but right now its all consuming.
I am sorry to bother you lovely people with this but I feel if I don't get these things out I am going to explode and I don't want Lee having to deal with me in this state when he has enough on his plate. I know that many of you have been through and will be going through far worse than this and I feel bad for even posting but I don't know where else to go.
To all of you that have taken the time to read this, thank you and much love to all of you.
