Dad diagnosed with stomach cancer but I live abroad

Hi CarolinaR,

I saw your post last night and I knew I just had to reply.

Unfortunately I do not really have any help or advice, but I am in a similar situation so I hope hearing from me brings a feeling of not being alone, as your post did for me.

My dad told me a couple weeks ago that he had been diagnosed with a cancer that is inoperable and will not be treated. It was a huge shock, and came completely out of the blue. I knew he had been visiting hospital for tests, but he never suggested it was anything to worry about. He is so far not ill enough to be in the hospital, but is receiving palliative care at home with my mum. He has not received a prognosis, but it is an aggressive cancer and he is not healthy at the moment.

I'm in my 20s and I live on my own on the other side of the world, though the country I live in is not preventing people leaving, it has banned anyone with a British passport from entering, so if I do go back to the UK I cannot return here until they lift restrictions. And who knows when that will be, as it will depend on the virus situation in the UK as well as here. As a family, we have decided that I should wait until the virus situation is better in both countries and the entry restrictions have been lifted, but this decision was agonising and we have no idea when this will be.

It's hard to explain the mixed feelings of stress, sadness, frustration and pain I'm feeling, faced with this triple whammy of not only my dad's diagnosis, living so so far away from family, but also the worries and international travel restrictions caused by Covid-19. Sometimes it is unmanageable and I break down.

I hate all the unknowns; when will restrictions be lifted, how long has he got left, will I be putting him in danger if I go back to the UK, will it all be too late by the time I get home, etc etc. It is so painful to think about. 

My mum is not a talker, I worry about her a lot as she does not have a close support group. My dad does have a group of close friends, which is good. We talk everyday, about almost anything other than his cancer. It is most definitely the elephant in the room. I don't think he is straightforward with me most of the time about how he is as he doesn't want to upset me.  

But as time is going by I'm realising I have to make more of an effort to communicate with them about the situation at least occasionally, as we must all be struggling in our own ways and it's difficult to see that when we are not physically together. It's also harder to get the confidence to start the conversation as it all has to be done on chat apps or video call which somehow feels unnatural, and the topics are sensitive. There is also a very big time difference between here and the UK which doesn't help, so the window for conversations is short (I am still working full time which also reduces the available time to talk).

To add, I am lucky to have good friends and a caring partner here, but as you know, this is not the same as being at home with family right now.

I feel the same. I am so very afraid of facing and living in a future without my dad, he is the rock of our family. I don't think anyone is ever ready to lose their dad or to go through this experience, it is a nightmare.

At the moment I am just trying to survive each day, and trying to communicate with my dad as often as possible, even if it's just a short exchange about the weather.

I'm not religious, but I hope and pray that it won't be too long before we are both able to see our dads. 

Hi R2085,

Thank you so much for replying, it really does make me feel less alone. And I'm so sorry about your Dad and the sudden diagnosis. It feels very cruel for all this happen in such a turbulent and difficult year for the world. Life can really be a bitch.

You are so right about online chats and video calls just not being the same - sensitive topics can be hard to broach when you can't really see somebody's face/reaction. I have started sending small videos about things I am doing and things he likes (gardens, birds, supermarket bargain hunting haha). It helps me feel connected with him and I hope it keeps his spirits up. I know he doesnt want me to be sad and feel alone, and I don't want to add any extra weight on his shoulders.

I really hope we can see our Dads again soon too. I am looking into transiting through another country and bringing evidence of his illness (as it is an emergency situation). Planning and talking frequently with my Mum on status updates helps, and trying to find moments of joy between me and my Dad for this short time we have left together on this earth. Perhaps I will also write him a letter with some memories for him to read. I really hope he knows how much I care about him and will miss him. The guilt from being away for many years is very tough (we see each other a few times a year, but of course now all I can think is that we should have done more/been there more).

A big virtual hug. This is a tough time.