A scared daughter

heliza1997 7 hours ago

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17 subscribers
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Hello,

This is my first time posting on an open forum (actually second as this is a copy of my post previously shared on the emotional support forum) and I very much hate that it happens to be with Macmillan (insult only meant towards the situation I'm in and not to the great charity and its people).

I'm 27 - soon to turn 28 - and my whole adult seems to have been plagued by tragedy, leaving me feeling like the unluckiest girl in the world.

I know this platform is full of people who are fighting their own battles but, as my bank balance currently prevents further therapy, please indulge me for this post.

My (half)brother passed away unexpectedly from an accidental overdose nine years ago which resulted in a lot of complex family drama and was the beginning of the end of our family dynamic. Last year, my eldest (half)brother took his own life in August and, despite us not being in contact for a number of years, it was an incredible blow to myself and my parents. I have been trying to navigate grief, estrangement and all the complexities that brings by itself, as well as trying to create any joy in my twenties. One of those attempts is a 3-week long solo holiday to Australia to celebrate my 28th.

However, and the reasoning behind my being on Macmillan, my beloved dad has recently been diagnosed with primary liver cancer. We are currently awaiting the results to determine its staging, but I can't help already grieve the loss of the most important person in my life. We have been through so much together and no one understands me like he does. As an older father, I knew that there was a strong probability of losing him earlier on in my life but, with everything else that has happened and the loss of nearly all the protective male figures in my life, I just don't know how I'm going to get through this one. He is my whole world.

I have lost a close auntie to cancer and its far from the first time that its hit my family (with my dad's brother currently not very well at all), but this is the first time its hit me so directly. I also thought that I was an expert in dealing with grief after losing my brothers but this one has really spun me out - and we don't even know the prognosis yet!

I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post was other than to vent but, if you also feel like the room is burning around you whilst you're buckled into the chair, feel free to drop a message. As macabre as it sounds, hearing and relating to other people's turmoil seems to be one of the only things that allows me to breathe for a moment so, if nothing else, I hope the ****storm of my life offers you a brief respite from yours.

Additionally, if anyone knows of any further online or London-based support groups, please let me know :)

(Please disregard any spelling errors, I'm typing too quick to care)

Rlove95 3 hours ago

Hello,

I’m really sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis, and I’m also really sorry to hear that you’ve lost two of your brothers & are navigating the grief of recurrent losses xx

I’m a similar age, I’m 29 about to turn 30 in a month or so, and my mum was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago which came as a shock at a time when I was already grappling with grief so I can relate to it feeling like the weight of the world is piling on you. My dad passed away a month before my mum was diagnosed. He wasn’t a good father and we’d been estranged since I was a teenager so it was a weird form of grief but still grief in its own right. I also lost my half sister to cancer two years ago. She struggled with severe mental health issues for years so it was also a strange form of grief as I had been grieving her already for a decade since she hadn’t been herself for years but it was still tragic when cancer took her away from us. Her death also came with complex family drama (as a result of my dad making things difficult for everyone while we were all grieving)

Despite all this grief, I don’t think any of it compares to my mum’s diagnosis and the anticipatory grief I’ve felt at the thought of losing her (especially as her cancer has already spread so while we’re lucky there are treatment options and the chance of remission, the likelihood of her cancer being completely cured for good are low). I’m still grieving and heartbroken by it all but I can say I feel better than I did when we found out. I spent most of the first month or two in anguish, unable to sleep and eating very poorly. The initial diagnosis and all the emotions and shock that comes with it is very difficult to handle and process. It’s very normal to feel like the rug has been pulled under you, and to feel spun out. Similar to you, I’ve found it very helpful to hear others stories & to speak to others experiencing a similar thing. It feels so cruel when it feels like the rest of the world is going on as normal when your world is falling apart but knowing you’re not alone in your feelings helps ease that a little.

I’ve been in therapy since 2021 so I’ve continued with that (although the first month I was too grief stricken to speak through things with my therapist as it all felt too painful to talk about). However if you aren’t able to access therapy, the Macmillan support line can be helpful when you need to vent. I’ve called them numerous times & they’ve always offered a patient and kind listening ear, and can often point you to resources.

I’ve heard of support groups such as those at Maggie’s centre, but it’s not something I’ve personally tried yet but I think it’d be worth looking into them. I’ve heard they also offer support services.

Sending all my love to you xx

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