Firstly hello.
I came here seeking advice, input, anything constructive, my story is a complex one, so I appreciate the time to read.
My partners Mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is currently receiving treatment for it, but the prognosis is not good as a former heavy smoker she has ended up with COPD. This has severely decreased her lung capacity, and will mean a further operation to removed the tumour is not possible. The prognosis is not good, and my partner knows this.
I do not know his mother, or family really. We are in a poly relationship of 2 years, and although I have spoken very briefly on the phone with her, she has not been formally introduced, although after the amount of time, we are both sure she has worked it out.
I have tried to be supportive and ask if when we are out if he should call her and see if she needs anything that we could drop off at the house. I also ask how she is when I see him, as I know some days are worse than others because of his mood and demeaner when he comes over 2-4 days a week.
My partner and I spoke briefly on the phone earlier, and I asked how his mum is and if he had given her a squeeze(hug). The phone immediately went down as he hung up abruptly. He thinks I say things like that as a comment that he is not doing enough for her, which it ABSOLUTELY ISN'T.
I have been thinking, after our most recent arguement, i.e he telling me how not to act around his own mum a few hours ago that this may be because of my own experiences.
I lost my father abruptly when I was 8 to leukaemia, we were sent to friends houses for about a month u til my mother came round one breakfast to out of the blue tell my sister and I our dad was dead. Yes, in those exact terms. No goodbye, no real idea of how sick he was, and certainly no idea that he was so ill. All that was said was that he wasn't feeling very well, he was going to hospital and we would stay with friends.
Perhaps my own experiences are making me act like this, I don't want to upset him, I just want to love him, but I fear my experiences may be clouding my actions. I don't want to say to him, when she is gone you are going to wish you did so much more, because that is heartless. But as someone who has experienced the loss of a parent (albeit at a different age) I know that is an emotion he will feel.
Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you manage your words and conversations? I feel like I am constantly treading on eggshells and something totally innocent and unrelated sends him off the rails...
I end up getting upset because he shouts at me when I say something wrong, and then says I make him feel guilty for him having those emotions. Do I just not mention anything at all?
Thank you in advance from my overthinking INTJ, mess of a brain.
Von
