Mums anxiety

Hi Meg

I'm so sorry, that's just such a tough situation for you all. I'm in a very similar situation except it's my mum who's ill with stage 4 bladder cancer and lung mets. 

I'm the only child and my parents have always had a chaotic, co-dependent type relationship that really, I couldn't wait to leave home when I was a teenager and it's a dynamic that has never changed. Now that this diagnosis has hit out of the blue a month ago, my dad hasn't mellowed one bit, he's been throwing tantrums and being volatile, upsetting her and I said to him the other day that he was behaving like a child. It's all about him. 

He's frightened too, but I think what I realised a long time ago was that people are responsible for themselves. He is never going to change, I can't change him or her and she's never going to stop excusing his behaviour and reacting to it rather than ignoring it. 

So my advice, is that, for me - I ignore him, I try my hardest not to rise to it or may calmly voice my disapproval of something he says and remain visibly supportive of my mum in front of him. He often will just take himself off to bed early anyway if he doesn't get the attention he needs. 

When I'm low, I fast forward in my mind to what the heck he's going to be like in a hospice, at her bedside etc. I'm absolutely dreading the future but then I just bring myself back to the present and take it one day at a time. 

I don't know if that was any help but I'm wishing you strength at this unbelievably difficult time. 

PL

Hi PL and thankyou for responding.

It helps to know that we’re not the only one’s this is happening to.

I haven’t faced Mum since this latest ‘event’, but I intend to back my sister up without getting into another fight.

She knows I’m there for them both and I have often given her the opportunity to open up to me, but I sense she’s bottling everything up, which is why I feel she needs to offload to someone out of the family.

Like your Father, Mum is behaving like it’s all about her, she is used to getting her own way about everything and it’s not until recently I’ve felt strong enough to challenge her (i’m In my mid fifties - how bad is that?) because the after effects drag on for weeks and it simply wasn’t worth all the upset.

Like you, I look ahead to what she’ll be like when Dad is really poorly and dread it. 

Part of the problem, I feel, is that Dad doesn’t want to know his prognosis which was initially less than 6m. We’re past that now but they have no sense of ‘making the most if the time he has left’ if you see what I mean?

I don’t want her to feel that we’re all picking on her - but at the same time I cannot let her continue the way she is, it’s making an already difficult situation much harder to cope with.

thanks for listening!

mm

It's so hard isn't it. And I know exactly what you mean about struggling to confront your parents (I'm in my forties!)

I think it's really good that you have identified that you think she needs to speak someone (my Dad would never in a million years talk emotions with a stranger!). Does your Dad have a community nurse or Macmillan visiting yet or is he not at that stage? It's great that he's past his prognosis - I'm just wondering whether if he has visits from a dedicated nurse then maybe they would be a good person for your mum to maybe talk to, or is there a support worker/Clinical nurse specialist at the hospital you could maybe contact and let them know you think your mum might be struggling and ask for some advice? Or Age Concern maybe? 

Then possibly that could be something you could say to your mum when you have a talk with her, that you've found out some avenues of support for her that you hope might help as you're all worried about her?  

Just ideas and thoughts - what works for some wouldn't work at all for others, I hope you find a way forward and don't let it dominate your remaining time with your Dad. 

Take care

PL

Thankyou, I think if we were at that stage, I could involve Macmillan or the nurses but we’re not.

Dad is having palliative chemo and while everything runs smoothly Mum is fine, but as soon as we hit a bump in the road, her anxiety takes over. I am certain she won’t go to her GP but I can at least make her see how upset we all are.

I am going to see and speak to her today, hopefully clear the air.

I just feel so bad for my poor Dad. He doesn’t need all this upset.

Take care too, and thankyou.

mm