My mum was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer in February. Despite attempting a round of chemo and immunotherapy, she is now in the final stages of life with only a few weeks, at the very most, to live.
I’m finding it very hard to get in touch with my emotions. People around me are crying and are visibly sad but I feel mainly numb. Obviously I am devastated that I’m about to lose my mum but I can’t help but be in practical mode. I feel the need to support others rather than look after myself.
People are telling that there is no right way to feel but I’m worried I’m missing something. When she dies, am I going to feel that I didn’t do or feel enough while she was here?
Has anyone else felt this way?
Hi Loulou
I am really sorry to hear that your Mum is now in the final stages of life. I understand that this must feel a very upsetting time for you all and that your feelings may be all over the place. I hope that Mum's nurses and doctors are supporting her and providing all the care that you all need at the moment.
There is no right or wrong way to feel at times like these and I remember when this happened in my own family, we all felt a range of emotions and these could fluctuate often. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry and often numb. I felt the numbness is sometimes a way of dealing with something that is so painful. I felt like it for a while after the funeral as well. It was sort of a time where I was processing it all.
When you are also supporting others it can feel sometimes that you are doing the practical things and maybe in a way, they focus you on something to do and that, in time helps you cope better.
There is some useful information here.
Supporting someone with cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support
I also found Home - Cruse Bereavement Support really helpful.
There is something caused anticipatory grief and this sort of explains why our emotions can be all over the place. It is not something I had heard of before experiencing it.
Anticipatory grief | Grieving Before Someone Dies
Getting support for yourself is important and I do recommend that you give the Support Line a call when you have a quiet moment. This would be a chance to talk things through with someone who is not connected to your family but who will understand. Sometimes I found it hard to talk to those closest because I did not want to cause upset.
I hope this helps a bit and please remember that we are here when you need us. I hope that Mum is made comfortable and that you have a chance to spend as much time with her as possible.
Take Care
Jane
