morning everyone...
its been a while since i last posted in here and although its been a rollercoaster its been manageable so far
my husband has been taking chemotherapy tablets for the last month and although it seems to be helping him cope we know that its just to slow down the cancer and not cure it ..
its been difficult watching my husband slow down and he gets tired more easily ..the staff at the cancer clinic have been so helpful and i cant thank the macmillan nurses enough for their support and helpful suggestions ..
its really hard watching my husband slowly dying in front of my eyes and i feel so helpless ..hes still the loveable cranky tetchy crab hes always been but now im more mindful of how this is affecting him mentally ...its like life is slowing down and speeding up at the same time ..if that makes sense ..well it did to me when we had a bad night with his coughing and choking the other night !..
he takes about 19 pills daily now and has an two inhalers to help with the copd ..he laughed when he went to pick up his prescription the other day as he now has a carrier bag for his meds !! ...
when we first discussed the chemo as a last resort i heard the doctor say that it might give him longer and we really didnt want to know how much longer but we now have a better idea that he wont reach his century ,,he was 70 last month ..but it doesnt matter now we are just trying to deal with today and anything else is just extra ....
although i have health issues as well ...they are being dealt with one at a time and in between his issues ...
i feel selfish for sometimes putting my issues first but he tells me as long as im ok thats all that matters ...
its weird but the chemotherapy is changing his appetite as well ....i never know sometimes what he wants to eat and there are days when i feel like im just a cook and general bottle washer but thats ok as im just glad he wants to eat as normal as possible ....
he still gets very frustrated at not being able to talk on the phone and still gets very impatient at life and me but ive learned to accept that its how the cancer is affecting him and i know hes still grieving for the life we had and the life we now have ...its tough but we manage ...
our life now is appointments ..medicines ..treatments and battling our gp surgery lol....i still make him laugh a lot which i think is a bonus but ill take anything that makes him happy and i still get the odd day out with my kids .....because he has his chemotherapy in tablet form and he seems to be more stable for now we have a routine of sorts ..my kids have been fantastic although they have struggled to deal with the fallout of his cancer and the fact that he wont be here forever ...my family has not really been involved although one of my brothers and his family have been supportive and helpful ...
his family are as helpful as they can be ,,because its both our second marriages the family dynamics are strained but we are all trying to do our best and thats i can ask for for him ...
hes now so happy that the football season has started as he loves his football .....me not so much lol so im back with the kung fu movies and nature programmes as well as the womens rugby world cup ..we seem to have a balance of sorts with what we watch mostly ...
im trying not to be a mum to him as my natural instinct is to protect him and wrap him in cotton wool but that wouldnt be fair to him or me
i think ive learned the hard way that dealing with cancer and having a normal life is not possible ..you have to make so many adjustments and you can lose who you are and what you want in life but its the way it is ....trying to be normal in front of other people is so hard and now if anyone asks me i tell them my husband has lung cancer stage 4 ...my husband laughs at me for not sugar coating it and i just said...i hate fake sympathy and they only want to be nosy anyway which made him laugh even more .....guess im good for something lol......
take care everyone
sarah x
