New member: It's spreading and I feel helpless

Hi Debz79 welcome to the forum and so very sorry to hear the news about your mum.

How do we manage? Well there's a question and one that doesn't have any easy or specific answer as we all manage differently.

The  only way is to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other and see what the day brings. Your Mum will be trying to protect you all cos thats what mums do and whilst its hard maybe just being there for her is all that you can do at this time especially with all that you have going on in your own life and that's important as well.

Its ok to have a cry and its ok to be tearful its a scarey and uncertain time for you all.

Sending some huge big hugs your way for now. xxx

Hi Debz79

My mum also had a kidney removed 4 years ago, it spread to her lungs which she had that removed last November, now we've been told she has lesions on her pancreas and liver and it's inoperable and incurable, I still feel like it's all a dream really like I'm writing this and it doesn't seem real. We were told all this in July and to be honest with you it's been the toughest few weeks of our lives. She has just started on Panzopanib, 400mg, and thankfully isn't experiencing any side effects so that is helping seeing her go on as "normal". Like you though when I'm with mum I 'm ok but when I go home and I'm on my own I'm constantly crying and feeling lost, petrified and a little bit sick. It is tough trying to act normal throughout the day. I do my best to keep it together in work then I know I can go home and just fall apart. I've tried to stop thinking about the future and in my head I break the day down into parts, like get through work until lunch, get through work until home, then it's just the night to get through. Selfish as it sounds you have to try and look after yourself too, especially since you have 2 little ones. It really is stopping any dark thoughts you have and concentrate on the here and now, easier said than done. Take some comfort that you are not alone, I'm here if you want to chat, rant, cry, whatever. It's a horrible and draining time so look after yourself as best you can,

Take care

Jo x

Hi Debz79 and jojo7377,

I've been living with kidney cancer for the past 14 years. Guess I'm lucky -  tho I've had several secondaries , I've had treatment for them - including Pazopanib 600mg/day.i'm currently on a  treatment break of over 3 years. Tho kidney cancer secondaries are inoperable and incurable, they are treatable- often by systemic drugs like Pazopanib   New drugs are being developed all the time too.

You both take care of yourselves n take it day by day, hour by hour. Big hugs xx

Wow, buttercup01

Thats amazing to hear and reassuring two of my mum's are inoperable and incurable but growth is stunted by her chemotherapy so just waiting to hear about this other one now...seems like waiting forever but it's later this week.

The hardest bit is putting the brave face on for mum n the kids I certainly don't feel it at all, I'm like a pin cushion if anyone stops to ask about my mum the tears just roll before any words form.

My mum's been my rock as I'm raising 3 kids  on my own and I took care of her the first time round as I wasn't working (was on mat leave) but I've made it clear I can't commit to the same level of care I did back then.

definitely taking one day at a time n crying in the shower helps lots, but generally trying not to think of the worst.

Thanks for sharing with me ladies really helpful to know I'm not alone.

Update, just over 2 years have now past and mum's body is riddled with cancer,( lungs, both shoulders, leg, spine to name a few,)she had a terminal diagnosis from November last year she now under the care of the hospice but staying with family as the pandemic would have stopped any of us being with her.

Mum lost the use of her legs Nov due to the tumor found on her spine which has been growing rapidly and taken away use of all function from stomach down.

Mum's tired and just wants to go she says no matter how many times her meds are adjusted there is still pain I feel terrible as I can only visit here and there when my children's carers come to give me respite but sometimes I'm so emotionally and physically drained I can't even do that at times.

I don't really have anyone I can share my thoughts with that gets any of this and my relationship with siblings is strained so I don't share anything of depth with them.

I just want my mum to be at peace now so she suffers no more, she's had us preparing for her transition from Dec and the kids too I don't like seeing her like this anymore. 

(Just a midnight off-load to anyone reading)

Hi - unload on here whenever you need - we all understand - and you have us, we may never meet we may never know each other by anything other than our avatars but we understand. Non only that but there will be others who read our words and perhaps they too will feel just that little bit less alone.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you Steve

Hi Debz79

I totally feel your pain and understand what you're going through. My Mum's cancer has spread to her bones, she's currently in hospital after a fall and had to have her leg pinned just above her knee. She could barely walk before this but now is in a hospital bed, we can't visit and we're being told she has gone into a deep depression. We are beside ourselves and don't know who to turn to for help. It's horrible seeing your parent like this when they have always been there for you, I don't know who to talk to, what to say, how to act. I just want to be able to give her hug, we are really hoping she will be home soon. I too feel both emotionally and physically drained, absolutely wiped out. There are no rules as to how we should be with this horrible disease and it petrifies me. Sending you lots of love and just know you're not alone in this x