Hi
This is my first post here.
In September mum received the news that she had bowel cancer, and would need chemo, radio and to have a colostomy bag for 5 months and then they'd operate and everything would be good. Everything looked simple and it was 'one of the best' cancers to have as was easy to treat.
She had her colostomy operation on NYE and a couple of weeks later had to go back to have it redone as it had gone in on itself. The second operation took her longer to get over but she got through it. She had chemo and radiotherapy scheduled for 5 weeks - chemo as a tablet - and about 4 weeks in she got a really bad chest infection that she was admitted for, they stopped chemo so as not to lower her immune system more and finished radiotherapy while she was in the hospital.
She had an MRI and CT scan and we were told by the ward doctor that she had some spots on her peritoneal wall and one on her liver and that this wasn't good news but her consultant would go through everything at her next appointment in about a week and a half. We spent the next few days stunned and worried. At the appointment, the consultant told us not to worry the spot on her liver was tiny and could easily be removed and the spots on her peritoneal wall were radiation fuzz dissipating and was nothing to worry about and she scheduled a Petscan for early May. And her next consultant appt for 3rd June where we'd sort the operation to remove the tumour.
A couple of weeks ago she started throwing up and was admitted again, she was in for about a week and had her Petscan while she was there and was discharged last Thursday.
Since being home she's been very short of breath and my dad got a doctor round to the house on Wednesday and the doctor said she had some fluid around her lungs and he got an ambulance to take her back to the hospital. I left work and went and met her and my dad at the hospital where they said she'd have a drain but in and that would help.
I went home and called my dad at 9 to check how she was. And he told me it wasn't good news, the cancer had spread and there's nothing they could do and they weren't going to operate as the cancer had spread to her peritoneal wall.
I know, that life is shit and not fair but - I think understandably - we're all really confused as to how we've been told she'll be fine it's nothing to worry about radiation fuzz etc and now she's on palliative care. My dad is angry that they messed up and couldn't tell it was cancer before, my mum is in a lot of pain and again feels lied to that she's been told time and the again everything will be fine and now it's not.
I'm lost. My mum and dad have been together 49 years in July (dad a young 75, mum a young 70) mum has done everything for dad, he doesn't know how to cook much it's taken him a while to learn how to use the washing machine and so I'm scared for him. My brother lives in the US and is very close to my mum, he's had issues in the past with his mental health and bothy parents are worried how he's going to deal with this.
I have a good job that are very understanding but I also suffered from situational depression a few years ago when my grandmother died, my marriage broke up and I was in a job I hated. I've since remarried the most amazing man but I'm scared I'm going to get ill again - but I feel selfish for thinking about me because I'm not the one dying or losing a spouse. I'm scared how my dad and brother will cope,I'm scared I won't see my brother agin as he found it hard to come over here after the death of my grandmother but came over last year to surprise my mum for her 70th.
I don't know what to do. I just keep crying at home and trying to be very organised and practical at the hospital, although spent most of the day crying with mum telling me to stop - which I feel shit for because she doesn't need that.
I don't have many friends and no one close I can really talk to, they all have families and their own issues. I'm 42 but feel about 15 at the moment.
I'm not ready for this.
When my parents went to see.my brother a couple of years ago I said to my husband I don't know how I'd cope with anything happening to her as it killed me not being able to call her whenever I wanted for 3 weeks. I've just been crying now thinking about a time when she won't be here.
And I feel shit for saying that because I know this happens to most people and I feel again I'm being selfish.
I don't know what I'm expecting in response to this post but I just needed to get it all out. Sorry it's so long and sorry if it's not in the right place.
