Help required

She could be acting out because she senses that your mam is unwell, its hard to explain to a 5 year old that her mammy is so unwell, my advice would be to try  and avoid a confrontation with her,  you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances, i take my hat off to you for coping with your mam’s illness and being mam to your little sister. Maybe take your sister to a place she likes and explain things to her about your mam also i am sure there are books you can buy that explain things in way they can understand, i hope things get better for you x

Am I right in wanting her jacket zipped up though :)? 

Yeah you are right but to a 5 year old your being bossy, and she wants things her way even though you have her best interests at heart, dont think you’ll ever win on that one! 

Hi Naomi85,

It sounds like you're doing a great job with your sister. Be careful not to take on so much responsibility that it affects your quality of life. After all, you're having to deal with the emotional fallout from your mother having cancer, as well as looking after your sister who, quit naturally, senses something's 'not 'right'.

I have a couple of suggestions for you.

One is that you read up on how best to discuss your mum's illness with your sister. There are some very good, free resources on the internet. One such resource is right here on the Macmillan site: www.macmillan.org.uk/.../talking-to-children

If you google 'how to tell a child about cancer', you will find some good information too.

While you're obviously trying your best, don't be afraid to ask others for help. In fact, as you'll see if you read up on cancer care more, you'll see it's positively encouraged.

It's well worth speaking to key people at your sister's school - such as her teacher, the school head, and so on, so they can first of all keep an extra close eye on your sister. If you're not sure who best to speak with, ask the person on reception as they will be able to direct you appropriately. Teachers are trained to look for all sorts of things where their children are concerned and they will almost certainly have access to resources that you don't, be it counseling or even being able to provide an alternative way to get your sister to and from school safely. You won't know until you ask. Be sure to mention your sister's behaviour, particularly if it's different from normal.

I really feel for the difficult position you're in. Having to handle your mum's illness while suddenly shouldering extra responsibility. It's difficult, but it's hopefully only a temporary situation.  As someone who cared for a person going through cancer, I can relate to how difficult it is and how easy it is to overdo things to the point where personal health starts to become an issue. Therefore, I would encourage you to keep reaching out to people - particularly people in authority (school, doctor, council) - and build a support network. You don't have to, and shouldn't, do this alone.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

Wishing you and your family the very best.

Dom.

So how can I explain to her that I am only doing what is best for her and not being bossy/strict :)? 

Hi again, Naomi85,

Is misbehaving normal for your sister, or was she well behaved before your mum's cancer came along? That would be useful to know as it would help establish the root cause and, thus, the appropriate solution.

If it's normal behaviour, then normal methods can be used. If it's due to the cancer, then that should be addressed first because she may have feelings that she can't express or be reacting to things in her environment that she's simply not equpped to handle (yet).

I do hope you reach out to the school too because they will potentially be able to help ease any pressure you or your sister may be under.

She was always a difficult child to parent tbh but was such a sweet, caring and loving little sister who would always listen to what I said. 

Its the zipping up that worries me though because I don't want her getting a cold etc. 

I wonder if the not zipping up is her way of taking control because she's unable to control what's happening to mum? Wild guess though. I certainly didn't ever listen to my big brother.

You catch a cold when your core body temperature drops (if I recall correctly), so it's best to make sure she's warm. Make sure she wears a thick pair of tights (if she's allowed them at school - I know some schools are quite precious about uniform), a vest and her school jumper (assuming she has one). If she has a warm breakfast, that will help too. Something like porridge or cereal in warm (chocolate?) milk.

To be honest, I'd be more worried about her running into the road without looking. With that in mind, try to distract her from misbehaving by talking to her - asking her things, like 'what's your favourite...thing (Disney princess, cartoon, toy, whatever) and going from there. Eye spy can be good, too, or spotting cars of a particular colour, or memory games or talking about the things she could be when she grows up.  Essentially, engage her mind with fun stuff.

Maybe let her have the zip undone if she wants - after all, if she's warm enough it doesn't matter so it's a win win.

Basically, as long as it's not harmful to her, let her explore her boundaries safely.

Hope this helps.

PS. I have to go to bed now but do keep asking the forum questions if you need to.

First things first, the school are pretty strict, all children have to have on their school uniform jumper and black dress trousers and also have the school issued jacket on because that displays the school logo and also keeps the children looking smart even when on school outings, during the winter the head insists that the hood be up as well  especially if it is snowing etc. 

Regarding talking to my little sister, I am going to cuddle up with her before school tomorrow and explain mummies condition and on how I expect her to behave when she is with me, trying to get her understanding that she has to listen to big sister as well as mummy.  I will also talk with her school teacher and headteacher for advice and support so thank you :). 

Hi Naomi

sounds like you’re in a really difficult position. Amazing of you to take on so much responsibility. I have a 4 year old who acts a bit like you have described your sister. If you can get her to zip up that’s great, but honestly I wouldn’t worry too much. Kids don’t feel the cold as much as we do, she’ll be ok. With small kids I think best to choose your battles as you can’t win them all, so I would agree that holding hands crossing the road is a better battle to choose than the coat. I try to let my little girl have limited choices so she thinks she’s choosing, but she’s actually only choosing from two options that I’m happy with eg. Would you rather zip up your coat or wear a scarf. I also resort to a bit of bribery to be honest. I’ll let her have a litttle chocolate when we come home if she’s walked nicely all the way back. Or if she does well for a whole week I’ll buy a kid’s magazine for her on a Friday. 

Hope this helps and all the best for your mum