Hi all,
During my dads cancer battle, I often found myself reading these blogs to find hope and comfort. Sadly, my dads cancer was far too aggressive and treatment offered didn't work. He was a fit and healthy 54 year old, who never even got a cold, suddenly diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma with mets on the brain, lung, lymph and groin. It was a huge shock and the whole 6 months that he endured were really hard. After having bleeds on the brain and the cancer continuing to grow despite treatment, they told us they could do nothing else for him and that he was going to die.
I take comfort in knowing that I never left my dads side whilst he was in hospital and in a hospice where he passed away. I work in the same hospital my dad had been going too and was with him any second I could be. He passed at the end of January 2019. I am only 20 and feel like I put a lot of my life on hold to be with him, which I don't regret, but am now finding torn between moving on with life and feeling guilty for this. I can go some time feeling ok and then I get an odd few moments of guilt because I don't want to forget him and I miss him a lot. Thinking of him makes me sad but I also don't want to not think of him. Does anyone else think like this? I know grief is completely different for everyone and I've dealt with loss before but when its my dad it feels very different. I was my dads only child and am now feeling a bit lost.
I've also had to change jobs as I was finding it hard to see other patients like my dad so often, I find myself jealous of old men and people that have been living with rcc cancer for so long when my dad didn't really get a chance too.
I know its still early days and grieving never stops but I'm just finding this process quite exhausting as its so up and down.
Hi @mbg98 and welcome to the community, though always somewhat sorry to see a new member join.
I can relate to what you say about your dad, I lost mine back in 2013 and the grief tinged with a sense of relief that he was no longer suffering helped to make things a real mess - as you say there simply is no easy answer to grief. In some ways of course my dad is still with me but every now and again something will come up that reminds me of him in a way I did not expect.
There are a couple of really good charities out there that focus on supporting people through bereavement, cruse bereavement care and the loss foundation, you might also like to join Bereaved family and friends forum where there will be many stories just like yours.
<<hugs>>
Steve
