I should feel something but I don't.

Hi Silel

sorry to hear about your situation. my husband has a grade 3 brain tumour...I'd say my primary feeling is numb! I think it is a self protecting (subconscious) response. I think something's are just too big for is to process and the numbness helps you carry on with daily life. that's my theory, anyway :) 

Hi Silel, 

I totally understand how you feel. My mother had emergency surgery to remove a tumour  from her bowel seven weeks ago and unfortunately it has spread to her liver . Everybody keeps telling my I’m so strong supporting my parents . Initially I felt very numb, I was waiting for the moment where I broke down completely but it hasn’t really happened. I keep asking myself and others if I am in denial but I don’t think I am I know what’s going on. I just can’t explain they way I feel. So you are not alone . Sending lots of love 

Michelle x

Hi Silel

Firstly I am so so sorry to hear your news. 

I could relate to every part of your post it is how I have felt the last five and half months whilst finding out both my parents have terminal cancer, one of which the hospital could have prevented it getting to this point if they had told us 3 years ago that mum had lung cancer when they found it. Dad couldn't have chemo because of dementia and mum is too weak, in fact I think I can count on both hands how many nights mum has been at home this year v being in hospital.

Some of it is exactly what I was talking to my husband about tonight having gone through being told by the hospital dad is OK to be discharged but couldn't cause no one home(once we told them that mum was in the hospital and had been for 7weeks) to 24hours later being called to say dad is not well and should go in and then him passing away last night 

Am I strong? No I am just getting up each day and doing what needs to be done. Do I have a choice? Maybe but if I don't then by now I would have no parents (still a realistic thing for this year but not at the moment.

Current feelings steam from numb to worrying I am not crying etc and focusing more on practical stuff than what has actually happened this week. It will hit me at some point and the same for my brother and it won't be pretty but all I can do is take a day at a time, get through it, go to bed and start again. 

Those that say you are strong probably have no idea what you are going through but I bet your husband is super proud of you and grateful for you and you are probably keeping each other strong.

Xx

Thanks everyone for your replies, it does help to know that others are feeling the same way too.

I think Becky has a point that sometimes things are too much to process so we just go to a sort of autopilot as it's the only way to deal with things.

I do worry about what happens when the autopilot switches off and I have to face reality but maybe I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks again all

I agree with everything that has been said, and its not a bad thing that you feel this way, looking after someone we love who has cancer is an emotional rollercoaster. I remember feeling numb most of the time, it was a combination of shock, feeling helpless to charge what was happening and self preservation trying not to completely fall apart, for me it came to ahead when my mum was end of life, I cracked but again I pulled through it and cracked again about a year after mum had passed away. What will be will be, there is no shame in falling apart if it happens it happens and if doesnt then it doesnt,all that matters now is that you look after yourself the best you can for as long as you can. xxxx my love to you