My dad is dying and I can't process it..

Hi Lexie

I’m new to this site and only posted last night for the first time as I’m also struggling with my fathers illness. So much of what you’ve written is exactly what I’m going through too...the mets in his bones, not eating and just getting weaker and the fact he also gave up his heavy alcohol habit on diagnosis. He is also struggling to speak a sentence and this is so hard to watch. The only difference is that my dad has not been diagnosed for very long and they are struggling to manage his pain and hallucinations. I have also found it really hard to get support and information, although we now have a nurse from our local hospice who is trying to get more information for us. It does seem that if you’re not pushy then nobody tells you anything and you feel like you don’t know who to go to for help. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through - I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!, Teresa

Hi there

Im so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I'm not sure whether it helps to know that you are not alone.  I am going through almost the same with my dad. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on the 16 Sep.  He was still working when he was diagnosed (he is a handy man).  Now he is too weak to even get out of bed to go to the toilet!  My brain cannot comprehend how it is possible that he has deteriorated so quickly and so severely.  Once the doctors said that there was nothing that they could do for him, they basically cast him aside.  It has shocked (and saddened) me that, in general, palliative care is so poor. He is at home with my sister who has been a rockstar taking care of him.  Cant imagine what she is going through watching/experiencing my dad's body shut down as he dies.  I am grateful that my friend's husband is a doctor and he has explained to us what is going on, why my dad is experiencing the things that he is and why he has no appetite and wont eat, etc.  Without him, we would have been lost!  Hospice nurse only able to come once a week but dad's deteriorating much faster than that and we cant keep up with all the new symptoms presenting themselves!  Anyway, enough rambling from me...just wanted to let you know that you are not alone..

BIG hug!

Thank you so much for the replies both of you- It helps me to know I'm not alone- this is such a llonely journey isn't it? I see you are both feeling very much the same as me in that you are struggling with the rapid onset of impending death? I see these adverts about not being alone with cancer but clearly in lots of areas we are alone- there is no one reaching out to help and support- I am relying on google to teach me everything, I just look at my dad and feel so sorry for what he must be thinking, the loss of some good years of life- I almost wish he had died while drunk and not go through all of this misery. 

I am so sorry you are going through this too- life is so cruel- I'm so used to dishing out advice and words of wisdom when people turn to me that this is a shock when I need it and no one is there! So I am hugely grateful to you both for responding to me- I've just turned 40 and am pondering my own mortality now and that's depressing  I'm sure these feelings are all natural but nevertheless it's a horrid time. Hugs to you both we are in this together xxxx Alex xxxx

Hi Lexi,

I'm so sorry to hear all of that. It definitely isn't easy is it. I'm afraid I don't have a lot to offer in terms of advice but just to let you know I am in a similar situation, and feeling equally as lost!

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer only weeks ago and the speed of his decline has been hard to believe. He is currently getting chemoradio with the hope of surgery after. I am like you and live a good bit away with my own family, so I understand your frustration when it comes to trying to find things out!

Everyone just says the usual, all you can do is be there for him etc but sometimes it's as if my dad doesn't want me to see him. I don't know if your dad is the same, but as I am his only daughter he doesn't tell me much in order to 'protect' me which ends up counterproductive in the long run.

I wish you and your dad all the best. Sending love and positive wishes your way x

Hi so sorry for your situation I know exactly what you mean about conflicting information and not understanding the speed of your dad's decline. My brother had a Melanoma removed and given the all clear, he had a follow up scan only to be told it had returned and gone in his bones, he suffered hypercalcaemia also and collapsed and hospitalised, he then got pneumonia and never recovered, sadly at 57 he died 2 weeks ago, 6 weeks after the scan, I am in shock at the speed he died. I have to be strong because my mum is 79 and upset and she has oesophagus cancer and just finished 10months treatment of chemo/radio we get the verdict of all that on the 4/12 so fingers crossed it's positive. I lost my dad at 67 with stomach cancer in 2002 and I still miss him so much. My mum beat bowel cancer 7 yrs ago so I am hoping she can beat this, I feel I have been dealing with family cancer for years it is a terrible disease and I hope your dad doesn't suffer too much and send you strength to cope with it all as it is hard. X

Hi Ht753 

I'm sorry to hear you too are going through this- yes I'm my dads only daughter and he has tried to keep some things from me when I'm not there- which has been difficult when I'm trying to help! I was co-ordinating from here and talking to doctors etc and he hadn't told me of a few things which meant they told me :/ 

I don't know if my dad wants to see me really as he is never any different when I'm there and we have never been really close. He's a very private quiet man and so I never have known what he was thinking or feeling. 

I hope your dads surgery goes ok, the chemoradio was tolerable for my dad but I can't help thinking it didn't do the job, as have just found out that the original tumour they were treating with it is still there residually- yet I was told by the doc it had been successfully treated.. 

I would rather he hadn't had the chemoradio and I suspect he feels the same as those months could have been spent doing special things rather than confined to treatment five days a week and feeling poorly with it. 

I think consultants should really talk this through properly and openly with patients and families.. 

Thank you for your reply, I rely on this for support and no one can support you better than someone in the exact same position! 

Hugs to you xxx

Alex 

Hi Laser 

Oh my word..  You have really had some trauma and upset. 

I suspect you feel as though cancer is everywhere you look- tv/radio/every paper you read and every friend of a friend and your own family..I do as my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in August last year, then a few months later my dad was diagnosed.. I fear my own health now- every niggle every pain- such a cruel horrible disease. 

Your poor mum, I can't comprehend losing my child before me whilst suffering myself.. she must be a strong person as must you be.. who do you rely on for support? 

You are very kind reaching out when you are in distress yourself- thank you for that, I hope your mum gets good news and you can find strength in each other for the dark days 

Hugs xx 

Alex xx

Hi Lexi,

It is a dreadful shock coping with the rapid deterioration. Our systems go into a fog, like a rabbit in headlights. It's a tough journey, several of my family members went with cancer and my husband has it too. Sometimes I go somewhere to cry so he can't see me being upset. And you being so far away must be so hard for you, at least I am on-hand to look after my husband. 

I know just what you mean about conflicting advice, sometimes it drives me nuts hearing different things from different doctors and specialist nurses. I can't help you with  your own journey through the pre-grief (there's probably a proper term for it) when a loved one is deteriorating in front of us, but I can empathise and hope the ocean waves of it all settle for you at least occasionally. I have gentle, soothing background music on all day and that helps me to control my emotions. I hope you find something to help you through it all.

Thinking of you,

Linda xx

Thank you Linda3 

It is indeed a tough journey, I take comfort from knowing there are others like you lovely people that are also suffering yourself and still able to respond to me and others about ours! 

My dad passed away today, at 14.08pm with my brother and I by his side. It was the single most painful and utterly devestating event I have ever been a part of. 

I raced up from Dorset yesterday to find he was unconscious, I sat by him all evening, through the night and into this afternoon. I dabbed his lips with water and balm and I combed his hair, I spoke to him as I normally would in calm times and lit a candle and kept it quiet and serene- he would have baulked at it in good health! He hated candles and cosyness! But impending death seems to enforce a strange need to do these things. The district nurse had yesterday fitted him with a syringe driver to deliver morphine so that he wouldn't be in any pain. I sang his favourite songs to him and played music. 

I noticed around lunchtime his breathing pattern had changed from long drawn out sometimes moaning breaths to short, rasping and very quiet breaths and I could smell something metallic- his previously strong heartbeat from yesterday I felt when laying my head on his chest had faded and I knew he would be going soon, I read a book to him and at some point around 2 pm, my hand was in his and he squeezed it, I looked at his face and his eyes were open- startled I called my brother over and he said he thought this was it- over the next five minutes he took several long quiet breaths and his face changed shape, he was peaceful and in no obvious distress. 

He breathed his last and his light went out. My brother and I were distraught.. we changed him into the clothes we knew he would feel best in and did his hair, sat with him for two hours and then contacted the undertaker. 

I feel broken and life as I knew it ended. Life with my dad ended. I felt in the initlal moments after that I may die too of suffocation or something equally as distressing as that's what I felt at the time.. 

Now I feel numb. What will I do without him? He wanted to live so much, he had had his teeth removed for radiotherapy and he was so desperate to get his new false ones I feel so sad and upset that he never got the chance to have them. He didn't look like my dad, he looked like a skeleton. Every bone stuck out and his face was awful. 

The undertaker was there for five minutes making arrangements and asking details, I added that I would like to add his nickname as nobody would know who he was by his birth name and when I said 'bo' the undertaker glanced at him and looked horrified.. he said 'I know bo.. we drink together.. he beat me at cards last year.. I didn't recognise him.. it's ravished him'. That was how bad he looked. 

My brother opened the window moments after he died to let his spirit out.. I do hope that's where he went as his body wasn't his.. 

I'm no longer in limbo, hanging between two different lives but am now part of the 'post dad' side now.. 

I'll be ok in time I know, but I didn't know pain like this existed- anyway, I wanted to keep you posted on my story, I hope to keep posted on your stories, I welcome any words of comfort and help with grief.. 

I wish you and your poorly relatives the best of health, hugs to you all xx 

Alex 

Alex, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My dad also lost the fight this weekend, and just like you, I am devastated.  I don't have much to say as I try to process what the h&ll just happened but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. 

Sending strength to you and your brother during this time!

Steph x