Having a bad day

Hi Ladies,

I'm finally somewhere in my head where I can interact with folk again.

On Thursday I finally went into town & didn't panic. I even got my hair cut! And hit Primani !!

I couldn't bring myself to go to Alan's cremation. I stayed in my PJ's all day & remembered all the fun things we did together. He would've understood. It wasn't him that was cremated, just his shell. He was so much more than that to me. He was the first man I had trusted since I was 9 years old!! Yes he could be a nightmare especially where the hoarding was concerned, but he had a wicked sense of humour, loved his motorcycle riding & watching racing. He actually did a Track Day at Donington Park when he was 79!!  And had a real joy for life. That's what was so hard when he reached end of life, he lost all that, it wasn't him anymore. But when he could open his eyes I could still see my Alan in there.

About 6 people went to the Crematorium including Alan's brother. He came round yesterday so we could go up to Alan's flat. Before we went though he read me some texts & emails from the wider family. Apparently I had told Alan's Granddaughter that no one COULD go to the Crematorium!! What I had said was that they could go if they wanted but that I wouldn't be going. She also said I'd said that there would be no get together afterwards. What I'd said was that I wouldn't be organising anything but if anyone else wanted to they could, but I wouldn't be attending. 

I give up on this whole family!!! It looks like I'm going to have to deal with the will, sort out selling his car etc!!

Only surviving son said he didn't want to be Executor ( I've taken legal advice & he can do that) or clear Alan's flat or deal with the arrangements, but he then turned round & said that he'd prefer any memorial get together to be sooner rather than later!! The Cheek of THE man ( I use that term loosely)!!! 

Alan's flat is so bad his brother & I agreed to just get clearance people in. We wouldn't know where to start, especially where paperwork is concerned. 

I'm actually angry at Alan for leaving this all to me!! And that feels awful. He's not here to defend himself. 

Don't any of you dare feel guilty for speaking frankly with your relatives. A serious wake up call is sometimes the only way.

My lovely nephew Darren & his husband Troy popped in to visit today on their way home to Mansfield. He once said that Nana( my Mum) had the heart & spirit of a Lion, & that I was cut from the same cloth! That made me feel really good, & will give me the strength to see all this through.

I hope you lovely ladies & your lovely Mums can have a reasonable day/week.

My thoughts are with you all.

Big Hugs

Sue.  Xxx

Hi Sue,

I hope you're doing okay this afternoon.

I haven't posted on this thread yet, but wish I'd come across it a month ago, My situation is that my Mum passed away 2 weeks ago, so although it's a parent and not a partner in my situation, I do have some sense of how things are for you. (My big adventure last Sunday was also to the hairdressers, and it made me feel somewhat normal for a couple of hours). 

Bloody text messages and social media have a lot to answer for, especially when you have rumour and misinterpretation behind them. It sounds like Alan's brother is looking our for you in letting you know what's being said though, and hopefully will communicate back to the wider family that they've gotten the wrong end of the stick completely. 

You didn't need to be at the crematorium to remember and honour Alan's memory, and spending the day thinking of the good things sounds like a fitting tribute to me. 

We have the house to deal with too - one of my brothers lives in Ireland (where the house is) and my other brother and I are here. We had agreed that having spent the best part of a month at the hospital before having to organise and go through Mum's wake, funeral and burial, we would allow ourselves to wait until the New Year to tackle anything. We have neighbours and family checking on the house (switching on lights in the evening as Mum would have had them do while she was on holiday) and I'll go back just before Christmas for her one month mass and will stay there that weekend. We don't have the issue of hoarding, but it's a 3-bedroomed house that is full of family memories (and that's before we even think about starting on my Dad's workshop in the back garden). I'm dreading it, but there aren't as many companies in Ireland as there are here that would do a clearance for us. I think we may get a storage unit so we can hold on to things that we're not sure about for the moment.

Your nephew sounds so lovely and obviously knows you well, so take his words on board. It's far from easy but you are doing so well so far.

Nicola. xx

His all. Been reading your posts now ..for some reason I haven't been getting notifications! 

Welcome to new people posting and ANYONE out there reading the trials and tribulations we all have.

Elenium and Maisiemae getting angry for you. Finally getting my aunt to visit my mum was a coup. She can't visit this weekend as HER PARTNER HAS PILES. ...of course...call an ambulance. ..ffs!!!!

Sister covering this weekend.  Poor mum has urine infection so added antibiotics with chemo made her throw up a lot and not eat yesterday.   She's a bit better today and eating. My sister getting confused with the drugs regime so texting a lot. I usually return to a chaotic house but she's a good cook so I say nothing.

Dad's suffering a bit at the moment so hoping his cancer not joining the party.

Oh forgot to say I've hurt my knee and stairs really hurting. ..no time for gp. Hope it goes away.

Going to try and tune out a bit now.

Pass the gin.

Jx

Sue,

I'm glad you're back with us and feeling more normal.  Of course Alan would understand you not going to the cremation. Spending the day thinking of all the good times sounds a much better thing to do, especially with what you say about his family.  

We're still here for you whenever you need us and it sounds you like you may want to rant some more ,what with dealing with selling Alan's stuff, etc.

Sending you hugs. X

Thanks Jenny.  Sorry about your knee.  I expect the gin will help though.  :-)

Had a nice afternoon out with my daughter.  Even managed to buy a few Christmas presents.  Can't quite get myself to buy cards though.  Not sure why I can buy presents but not cards.

I have come up with my own variation of maisiemae's screaming in the car.  I listen to music, in the car, as loud as I can bear it and sing along as loud as I can.  It helps.  I've also started baking loads.  Lemon biscuits yesterday.  Making chocolate orange cookies on Wednesday, when I'm next at mum's.

Popped in to see her earlier.  She's not good today.  The last few days she's got up late and then gone back to bed after a few hours.  She has to keep going to the loo all the time.  The nurse thinks it's where the tumour is pressing on her bladder.  Haven't told mum that but she's probably thought of it herself.

Off to clean my house now as it's in a right state and no one else is going to do it...

Hugs to all. X

Hi Nicola,

I'm so sorry about your mum. It's good that you were able to spend time with her.  I think you are doing the right thing in leaving everything else until after the new year.  You've got enough to cope with.

If you feel like you need to have a rant or if you just feel like you need to post, we're here for you.

Take care.

Gin = knee numb. ....not usually a drinker but these days!

Thank-you Elenium. I had nothing like this when my Mum was dieing, and seeing how much you support each other is amazing.

Take care, Anneteresa

Hello maisiemae,

And thank-you for the affirmation. I am a Leo also,and found I had to be an advocate for my Mum, my Dad was convinced we couldn't get any help, so I had to convince him that we could ask for it, and we did get lots of help.

I understand what you are saying about whether it is better or worse to know what's ahead. I didn't know, took a sabbatical from my work as a teacher, also lived 150mls away, so had to move in with parents. It was the right thing to do, and I found the strength from somewhere to cope, as I am sure all of you are finding. To be honest, I don't know if it helps to know, but I am the sort of person who needs to know all the ins and outs! Anyway, I didn't know, was able to cope with the great support I had, and it was the best it could be. Hope that's reassuring. Wish you well

Take care, Anneteresa

Hello Elenium,

Families are so difficult! I t is interesting( though not for you maybe), that as the youngest you were expected to do everything. My younger sister lived just down the road from my parents, but bothshe and my younger brother expected me to take the lead, care for my Mum etc. Not that I minded I might add, even tho' I lived 150 mls away! Anyway, I guess that is family dynamics.

With my Dad it will be different, as he is a Chelsea Pensioner, so they will be looking after him, which I am totally fine with, as I know he will get the best care. My sister and I have visited regularly, probably about 5 or 6 times, but my brother has visited once. That is him and I will not waste my energy on worrying about this. I think sometimes you just have to accept others actions, and let them go. I wish you well.

Take care, Anneteresa