Having a bad day

Me too awake most of the night then fall asleep when I need to get up!

I have actually managed to stay awake at work, although very tired.  Had quite a good day today.  I was able to talk about mum a bit, went out for lunch with my friend and managed to get out of a meeting I reeeeeally didn't want to go to.  I might even go down the pub tonight.  I have a different image of mum in my head now.  She's just smiling rather than laughing but still looking younger.  I'd like to think that she's putting those images there.  I know that they do comfort me.

I hope you've all managed to have a reasonable day, if not a good one.

Love to all.

X

Hi my lovely friends,

It's been a somewhat strange week so far. The 14th really hit me. My best friend sent me the loveliest text reminding me how much I'm loved & cared for. She knows Alan always made a fuss of his 'Princess'. 

I also sold my little Peugeot 106 which has been my sanity saver at times. It was time for her to go. I'm now driving Alan's, now my, Peugeot estate. I'll always think of it as 'his car'. 

Yesterday I bagged up all his clothes that were here at mine, apart from a few things that I'm keeping for sentimental reasons. He loved clothes, most of which he got in charity shops, but he never wore them. I found things still with the original charity shop labels where he'd bought them. Then today they were collected, for a new charity shop in town that supports the Armed Forces. It seemed appropriate somehow, as he had been in the RAF & both my parents were in the Royal Navy.

I don't feel as sad as I thought I would somehow. 

I have another ear infection, and Alan was wonderful for looking after me when I'm not well. Writing in the past tense is still too hard. Before I moved to Coventry he even came all the way down to Essex once as he knew I had a bad cold. The first I knew was when he knocked on the door! 

As you, Jenny,vMaisiemae & Elenium, talk about your Mums, it reminds me, in a nice way strangely, that I only lost my Wonderful Mum in May, just under 6 months before Alan passed. I miss her so much. She would've been the person I confided in most when Alan was I'll. Even though the Atlantic separated us we were very close, especially in the past 15 years or so. We used to say we were making up for all the years when our whole family seemed to be in conflict all the time. My brother Robin described it once as a 'Chaotic household'! 6 kids, Dad a miner, never enough money or time. 

I know this isn't strictly relevant to losing Alan, but I realised I have 2 people to mourn, both lost to this Fu..wit disease!! 

I'm feeling very sorry for myself tonight. 

I know this will pass though, & I have you, my Wonderful emotional support Friends.

I just wish I could do more to help you all that's all.

Sue xx

Sue that is so much to cope with. 

Hateful disease.

Were you offered counselling  (can't remember if you've said)?

Love.

Jxxx

I wasn't. I may contact Cruse.

I feel like I just want someone to come & look after me. Give me a Hug. I feel so  very alone sometimes. 

Sue

Xx

Hi Sue,

It's the simplest but closest of things - - a hug- but missed so much I totally agree, it did make us feel as one. X

X

My sister and I have asked for counselling. ..

Jx

Dad talking a lot about good and not so good times with Mum this evening.  (Their bad times weren't very bad in the scheme of things).

He can't sleep well. Nurse told him in time when he has accepted she has gone more he will sleep.  Hope she's right for him and us all.

I sent Mum a text saying I miss her.

Jx

I miss giving mum a hug. Went round her house tonight and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I did go out tonight but suddenly felt I had to leave. I wasn't upset but just couldn't be there anymore.

It's all so crap.

So we're all sad tonight. :-(

I think group therapy would be the way forward for me but i would want a MacMillans Type grouping like us lot. I want it to be about my grief and feeling less alone. Its such a specific disease and knowing you all understand pretty much what we have each experienced is very holding to me. Ive just been to a play this evening in a Waterloo Archway Theatre based on a group therapy setting, my old counsellor wrote it and i went with my old counselling teacher, it was wonderful. I went out. Im isolating myself too much from human interaction. I dont want to lose who I am I dont think. I have this longing, its a deep dull ache with stinging eyes for mum. I was sorting some paperwork and i was sniffing it as i could smell mums house x