Why am I still a mess emotionally?

Hello Squashable

How you are feeling now is very much how I felt when treatment finished. Very up and down some days, some days I just felt sort of flat. Personally I felt that during the diagnosis and treatment, things move so fast and we focus on the day to day, the next appointment etc and just trying to get through it. Once that stops, I felt the reflection and processing happens- there is literally time to think. 

Some people find some counselling can help and it can be done through Bupa/Macmillan. If you give the Support Line a call they can help you. Some people find a Life After Cancer course helpful. 

For me it's been a gradual process and it all takes time. I wrote this blog a while back and it sort of explains better how I was feeling and may help you to understand some of your feelings a bit better. 

(+) Life One Year Later- Jane’s story - Macmillan Online Community

It might also be worth contacting your CNS/GP to explain how you are feeling and to have a bit of a check up. There maybe some support locally to you. You have been through an awful lot over the last few months. Chemo and radiotherapy is not easy and it took me a good year to feel more myself and for things to feel a bit more settled. And I still have off days. 

Hope this helps. If there is anything else you need, please do ask. But I do recommend giving the Support Line a call and chatting things through. I've used the Online Chat as well and that was really helpful. I spoke to a nurse who was really understanding.

Jane

hello Jane

thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I will certainly have a look at the avenues you have mentioned. I feel a little better the last few days, looking back i can see i did feel very flat, i just wanted to stare into space and not have to deal with anything or anyone, but had to put on a normal front for family etc. I did call my CNS last week as I had a sudden sore spot in my bottom when passing a bowel movement, but this seems to have been a one off thankfully (now drinking more water!!). The CNS is going to call me back so i will mention the anxiety and low mood and see what she suggests.

thank you so much

Susie C

I feel you completely. Iv been cleared of my cancer 7months now, but for some reason my emotions are constantly a boil. im constantly on the edge, i feel like im in flight mode, highly stressed, depressed, self isolating and just an absolute miserable person. I cant handle stress like i used to, i feel like iv changed completely how i used to be. Quite frankly death gives me some relief that i wont have to exist in this world any more. I sometime have to let a shout out because how bad i feel, a lot of anxiety, i feel overloaded with emotions, but no way to express them or get rid of them. I feel like a robot. I never see my friends anymore because of the way i am now. I feel like i need to find an island somewhere and rest until im normal again.

Hi Jack

Thank you so much for your post. 

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb last year and have only just finished treatment. 

I certainly feel like the end of treatment is not 'the end'. There are so many emotions!  I feel like I am only now just fully feeling the effects of all that I've been through. I don't feel certain of anything anymore. 

I had a therapist before my diagnosis and have continued throughout.  It has been life-changing.

You don't need to suffer alone.  Please speak to MacMillan or your GP about how you're feeling. Help is available. 

I wish you a peaceful day ahead.

All the hugs, Shaka 

Hi  hun.  vartual hug.s

Im a newbe.isolated bladder cancer ywr emotion hard to handle. Cry for no reason

Im good at helping others at work ect  but cant help mysrf.  If that makes sence

Healing time is not  a set thing.   Like your survival  mechanism  has seitched on to  protect itself

By the sounds of it... dealing with anything demarnding 

Im at stage at present cant see mysrlf walking back through the front door

Hopes all well ...x

Thanks Jane; All these contributions are really helpful. It is especially difficult to come to terms with the emotional swings when rationally you feel you should be happy and relaxed since all the treatment has been successfully completed. You feel a bit of a fraud because you can't give a reason and I feel I can't talk to family and friends since it is then a concern for them which they can do nothing about. I am trying many of the suggestions but I suppose I have to be patient and accept the situation until it passes?

Hi there, first of all, big hugs! My husband had the same diagnosis,had chemo and surgery which , thankfully, had a great outcome, but is also finding it difficult months down the line. The treatments and worry can be so much it can hard to process everything that is happening. Like a protective instinct to get through it all. Now that there is calm and quiet he has started to process everything that he has been through. Problem is that everything that has happened plays like a loop and it is hard. When he was going through it all there where staff that would keep on top of worries, symptoms and appointments...and that all gone and it is just him left with his thoughts. We are trying to talk through everything that he remembers in small doses. This seems to help, I think it is helping him process everything he has been through. Talking with someone and having astounding board helps to get it out so he can move onto the next process. 

The mind has it's own rules despite where you are on your journey. Maybe talking will help you proceed the massive journey you have been on. Hope this helps. 

If you would like to message me, (if you are comfortable) I will be a sounding board  :)

Hi there, first of all, big hugs! My husband had the same diagnosis,had chemo and surgery which , thankfully, had a great outcome, but is also finding it difficult months down the line. The treatments and worry can be so much it can hard to process everything that is happening. Like a protective instinct to get through it all. Now that there is calm and quiet he has started to process everything that he has been through. Problem is that everything that has happened plays like a loop and it is hard. When he was going through it all there where staff that would keep on top of worries, symptoms and appointments...and that all gone and it is just him left with his thoughts. We are trying to talk through everything that he remembers in small doses. This seems to help, I think it is helping him process everything he has been through. Talking with someone and having astounding board helps to get it out so he can move onto the next process. 

The mind has it's own rules despite where you are on your journey. Maybe talking will help you proceed the massive journey you have been on. Hope this helps. 

If you would like to message me, (if you are comfortable) I will be a sounding board  :)

Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so good to hear that I am not alone. I feel so pathetic and weak and that this shouldn’t be happening. It gives another perspective when you realise it’s obviously part of the process and another thing to deal with. I am also a bit confused about ‘returning to normal’ since I am not sure what normal is any more. Thanks so much for reaching out.

Hi Caz, I am glad to hear that you have gotten something from my words.

Normal ... That can be such a loaded concept. While people can respond to situations in differently, what you are going through is completely normal. You are not the first to feel this way are and you will not be the last. It is part of the human condition.

If someone had lived in your life and had the same thing happen, they would probably feel the exact same way

It sounds small, but one of the most helpful things a therapist ever told me was that it’s not our thoughts or feelings that hurt us most—it’s thinking we shouldn’t have them or feeling like we need to hide them. That’s what can really hold us back from healing and growing. 

You got this, big hugs!